Facebook Status of the Day

We've had another dearth of funny Facebook status updates, people. Perhaps I haven't been paying close attention, so I will give myself at least partial blame as well. The good news: people were funny recently! Please keep it up, and as always, submit contributions to me via my Facebook account, or in the comments section.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• DN is worried that Sarah Palin's new book "Going Rogue" will overtake the Bible as the best-selling book of all time. To boost sales, the Pope will autograph any new Bible in Jesus' name. Bible must be purchased on or after November 17 ("Going Rogue" release date). During the signing, the Pope will also throw in a copy of the straight-to-DVD movie "The Flood: When God was a badass and killed people." Get yours now.

Runners up:

• My son asked me, "Would you be sad if daddy fell out a window?" I said, "Well, yeah, sure I would be. But only if I didn't get to push him!"

• MT was going to take the kids to get their Christmas pictures taken tomorrow. THEN my daughter fell in the playroom and got a rug burn on her face--I won't tell you where, but I'll tell you that she now looks remarkably like Hitler.

Separated at birth?

So, this is somewhat of a delayed reaction on my part, but when I saw U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder on CNN today, it reminded me of what I thought the first time I saw him: "Wow, Oprah really IS that powerful. She got her long-time boyfriend Stedman appointed as Attorney General!"Eric Holder is on the left above, Stedman Graham is on the right. I still think Oprah must have something to do with this...

Like taking candy from a baby...Jesus

So, I am making my rounds at Rite-Aid this evening, and I discover that the Christmas candy is out already. As if that's not disturbing enough, I come across these tasty treats:

Jesus Candy! Tastes like righteousness!

I am all for keeping Christ in Christmas, but commercializing Jesus rather than making Christmas less commercial is not the answer. I don't think God is co-signing this one.

Separated at birth?

Today, after my son's last soccer game of the season, we took a celebratory trip to McDonald's for lunch. The Happy Meal toys for boys are a promotional tie-in to the movie "Astro Boy" (which I had no idea existed until this trip to the Golden Arches).

When I pulled the toy out of the plastic bag, I couldn't help but notice that Astro Boy bears a striking resemblance to another restaurant-related icon: Big Boy.

They do have the same last name. Perhaps they are related.

Facebook Status of the Day

Facebook statuses about Facebook statuses are the best! It's so meta.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• DR LOVES it when people on here state the obvious. Like, "Hey, it's raining." Well great. What about it? With nothing following it. Try spicing it up, like, "I love the rainy weather so much that I want to marry it, then divorce it and take half its money." SPICY-get it?

Runners Up:

• Random drug tests sometimes don’t seem to be random.

• JH is wondering what Borders would do if she moved all of their bibles to the fiction section. Sorry Mom! LOL

• SP has come up with another way to say no to my hubby's advances. I simply say, "Not now, honey, I'm Facebooking." The other night, he threatened to throw my phone out the window, all the while cursing "whoever it was that made Facebooking from bed possible.”

Facebook Status of the Day

People are being funny again! This makes me happy!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• Target just called me on my cell phone to ask if it is okay to call me on my cell phone. I have to admit, it stopped me dead in my tracks for a minute there.

Runners Up:

• GR wishes there were more situations in life where Rush Limbaugh could be mistaken for Rush, the completely awesome Canadian prog rock band.

• RF wants to make out with whoever invented baby swings.

• BN enjoys long walks on the beach and antagonizing strangers.
  
  

Facebook Status of the Day

Well, it was an interesting day. We crashed a rocket into the moon (on purpose), and President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. And major events always make for a funny day on Facebook! In fact, today was so funny, I've had to save a few for later. Tune in tomorrow for another installment!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• If your president wins the Nobel Peace Prize, and all you can do is complain, you might be a redneck.

Runners Up:

• I found an old pair of "comfort" pj's that I haven't worn in years. Gracie comes in and says, "Mom...those are totally gross." I said, "G, I wore these when you were in my tummy." She said, “Well, in there, I didn’t have to look at them.”

• Maaan, those moon people are going to be piiiisssed!

• WL thinks when you spend a couple billion dollars to "shoot" the moon, you damn sure oughta be able to see a "plume" on yer TV.

Facebook Status of the Day

I lost a friend to cancer today, and the world lost a loving, sweet, unique, quirky woman named Marcie Williams. My memories of Marcie always include her amazing, bright smile. She had an incomparable zest for life, and brought light to everything and everyone around her. It's an incredibly small way to pay tribute to her humor, but today, I dedicate the Facebook Status of the Day post to Marcie Williams, who left this earth at the age of 34--far too soon. May she rest in peace.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• TR knows that a zoo patron is from West Virginia when they say, “Look ma! A kodiak bear. Just like the snuff.”

Runners Up:

• Nice shot of “Buttcrack Dad” today. He's one of the dads at Emma's preschool, and during pickup when he bends over to get the art projects - BAM! The man really needs new pants...or a belt. I feel bad for laughing, but dang, it's funny!

• I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they screw up I will just hit them all at once.

Chelsea Handler's face helps my blog

Back on January 27 of this year, I wrote a blog post speculating that Chelsea Handler had some work done on her face. First, I would like to pat myself on the back for being early to that party. There has been a lot of speculation in more recent history that the host of "Chelsea Lately" has had some plastic surgery or other cosmetic procedure. At the time I wrote about it, I found almost nothing about it on the magical internet.

Since then, there has been much more virtual ink devoted to the topic. People are clearly Googling terms such as "Chelsea Handler plastic surgery" because it's driven a tremendous number of people to this very blog--particularly lately (pun intended). I've included a before and after picture here, although it was difficult to find a recent picture of her (the "after" is on the left). I'm not sure this shows the contrast well, but it was the best I could do.

Here's where I'm going to break out some stats, which will perhaps bore some of you, but hopefully my fellow statistics nerds will hang in with me.

In the past month, 43 percent of all of the traffic to my blog has been to the Chelsea Handler blog post. That's a lot. The amount of traffic coming to my site from search engines has made a dramatic upturn; in September, more than 58 percent of all visitors arrived at the site via search engine (the other options are direct traffic and from a referring site, such as Facebook). In August, just 17 percent of the traffic came from search engines. That's a 41 percent shift, people. The Chelsea post has 36 comments on it, 16 of which were written in September.

So, Chelsea Handler, whatever it is that you've done to your face, I thank you for it. And no matter what you look like, I love your show.

Black and gold...and gray

I have always had a knack for spotting cute old people. I like to refer to this talent as my "graydar." A few weeks ago, my graydar was working overtime at the Steelers home opener. I lucked upon these two wonderful oldies from my seat.No doubt these two are listing to Bill Hillgrove call the play-by-play on Steelers radio with their cute little headphones. My only concern: I could not determine if the oldie in the Polamalu jersey (hot!) was of the Mamaw or Pop-pop variety. Androgynous old people are tricky!

Separated at birth?

As I watched President Obama's address to Congress last week, I was reminded of a thought that I had during the 2008 presidential campaign: Joe Biden looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. I think that a big part of the similarity is the tufts of hair (or feathers, in the case of Sam) over the ears.

I love that Mr. Biden wore a tie in "Sam the Eagle Blue" for the address. Well played, Joe.

He's fallen and he can't get up

This might be the cutest puppy ever. The poor little thing can't figure out how to get up!

More Steelers Stuff

It's September, people. That means regular season football is right around the corner. I have some more Steelers stuff to share with you because:

1. I love Steelers stuff.

2. There is a lot of Steelers stuff in Pittsburgh. Go figure.

The truck below is the sweetest ride I've seen in quite awhile (I took the photo while stopped at a red light next this fine piece of machinery). This custom paint job clearly made a big improvement to this beater. They obviously ran out of room for the "H" in "burgh," though. Bummer. Or maybe they don't know how to spell. I'd say the latter is just as likely a possibility. Did I mention lately that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the only NFL team with six Super Bowl wins? Six. Count 'em.

I'm pretty sure the NFL will slap team logos on any product that will cough up the licensing dough, but this one still made me giggle a little. The most interesting feature of this razor: it actually contains no blades. The hairs on your face become so intimidated by the Steelers logo, they jump right out. Very effective.

This fine piece of artwork below was created by my good friend and talented artist Dan Hart. If you'd like to have a poster of your very own, please visit http://www.danhartdesign.com/ for his contact information.

Who is the REAL cute Beatle?

Paul McCartney was always known as "the cute Beatle," and while he's certainly not an ugly guy, I don't think he's aged as well as a lot of people would've hoped. I've made a surprising observation over the last few years: Ringo Starr wound up being the best-looking Beatle! I realize George Harrison and John Lennon have made their way to the big concert stage in the sky, but but before their deaths, they were not looking so hot.

Seriously, how has this happened? Ringo was obviously not a looker back in the Beatles' heyday. I've compiled photos of the Fab Four in their later years here. Am I alone in my thinking on this one?

The Poop-Scootin' Boogie

Hello pumpkins. I've missed you. It's been a little while since I've blogged. My lack of blogging was actually a feeble ploy to see who would start harassing me to blog, and also to see how long it would take. I'm totally manipulative that way.

Just kidding! I was just not inspired to write anything new lately. I was recently blessed, however, with an insane situation with a neighbor, and you all will be benefiting from these shenanigans.

But, before I get into that, I must point something out, if you haven't noticed it. I refrain from using curse words in my blog (although I think I might have written H-E-double-hockey sticks a few times. Shhhhhh.) So, why don't I write like a truck-stop waitress talks? There are a few reasons. I know some former, current, and possibly future employers read it (as well as my mother). Also, it's a challenge to try to be funny without swearing. Let's be honest here, the judicious use of an F-bomb every now and then really helps to get your point across, and can definitely add humor to a situation. But even though I frequently find it funny when others pepper a conversation with a lot of four-letter words, I also think it's a short-cut on the way to Funny Town. And finally, as the late, great ODB once said, "Wu Tang is for the children." I feel the same way about my blog.

I'm telling you all of this because it's going to be a monumental task to not swear during this blog post. I'm going to have to get creative here, people, and practice a lot of breathing exercises. Giddy up.

So, as mentioned, this situation involves a neighbor. I have no fear of her discovering this blog post because she is 82 years old. But she doesn't look a day over 79. Just kidding, she is actually quite spry for an old broad. We'll call her Bea. She goes to Curves three times a week, runs her own business, drives competently (as far as I know), and has an...er...active romantic life with her octogenarian boyfriend. Ugh. Bea overshares sometimes, too. I've repressed most of the details of the boyfriend stories, so no need to worry about me relaying those to you. The mind has an incredible ability to protect itself.

Bea's also quite sweet, and I'm often tasked to help her do things like put on a necklace, fix her TV when she's mistakenly pressed a wrong button on the remote, or hook up her answering machine. I'm more than happy to help with any and all of these kinds of requests. My generosity has its limits, however.

Last week, I walked out onto my back patio to get my mail. (Yes, my mail comes to the back of the house. Don't ask). There, standing in the middle of my patio is Bea. My yard is enclosed by a six-foot privacy fence, but we are friends with the neighbors on both sides, and they pass back and forth frequently. So it was not entirely unusual to see her standing there, but I was surprised to see a pink leash in her hand with a white fluff ball at the other end of it. Bea had gotten a dog! This was not just any dog...this was a Coton De Tulear with a pink hair elastic hoisting its bangs up into a Pebbles Flintstone-style 'do. Bea proceeds to introduce me to...wait for it...Diva. She has taken ownership of the five-year-old dog from a friend. My radar immediately goes up. I know what's coming. Diva is in my yard because she is visiting her new toilet. Sigh.

Pittsburgh is a hilly place, and yards are rarely flat. I'm lucky enough to have one of the more level ones. Bea, however, has a few concrete steps to traverse up to get into her yard. She also has a neighbor on the other side of her, with which she is mortal enemies (long boring story). Using my yard as Diva's personal dumping ground enables Bea to both avoid the steps and the prying eyes of her arch rival.

I give Bea the benefit of the doubt for the moment, however, and refrain from asking why she's in my yard with Diva. (For the record, Diva seems like a sweet dog. I should also note at this juncture that I am not a dog owner at the moment, and have been enjoying a doodie-free yard since I had to put my yellow Lab down last year. RIP Eddie.)

Bea and I exchange niceties about the dog, and go on about our day. Late the next evening, I spot her tippy-toeing around in my yard again with Diva. She was sporting a black velour zip-up robe, bed head, and no make-up. I head outside to see what's up. Bea tells me she's happy to see me, and asks if I mind if Diva does her business in my backyard. She chalks it up to the fact that I have a fenced-in yard (she does not), and the dog can roam free here. I make some non-committal grunts as she rambles on about picking up after the dog. As we are chatting, Diva heads out to the far corner of my yard and proceeds to drop a deuce while twirling around and around, so there are several landmines rather than one civilized pile. Bea looks at me, slightly chagrined, and says, "The one time I forget to get a bag!" Suuuurrrrrre. She heads back to her house for a grocery bag, while Diva continues her pooping pirouette. The dog was clearly not having an entirely satisfying potty break.

Bea marches to the back of my yard with a flashlight and a Giant Eagle bag, but quickly turns on her heel and tells me it's too dark to see the doodie, and she'll report back for hazmat duty in the morning times. All the while, Diva remains engaged in her awkward poop dance throughout my backyard. Bea heads back to join me on my patio and we resume our chat. Diva joins us within seconds, and proceeds to SCOOT ON HER BUTT across my patio, six inches from my flip-flop clad feet. I'm trying to think of a couth way to say this, but I think that train left the station long ago. Let's just say that the journey Diva's furry little butt took across my patio left a significant...er...skidmark. Ugh.

Bea looks as mortifed as the woman can, and tells me she'll get some water. I tell her not to bother, and I head for the garden hose. I'm sure my patio was due for a good washdown anyway. After thanking me profusely and telling she's lucky to have such a good neighbor, Bea heads back home with Diva in tow. But not before I advise her to take a look at Diva's rear end as soon as she gets inside. No doubt that dog needed some assistance that could only be provided by opposable thumbs and a lot of wet paper towels.

I'm left stunned, unsure of how I'm how I'm going to get myself out of this situation. Perhaps I'll be calling Doodie Deeds in the near future.

This whole situation makes me think of this scene from "Billy Madison."

Why yes, I am ready for some football, thanks for asking.

To commemorate the commencement of Pittsburgh Steelers preseason football today (squeeeee!), I am posting some Steelers-related photos that I've been saving for just the right moment!

US Air clearly knows what time it is. I took this photo of the Steelers-themed airplane in Charlotte, NC in June, from the seat of my plane.

I snapped this photo of the "Terrible Truck" at a red light near the Robinson Town Centre. I have no ideas what the owners of this truck do for a living, but they obviously bring it.

James Harrison isn't afraid of his shadow, James Harrison's shadow is afraid of him!

Whenever I'm having a tough moment at work, I simply look to my James Harrison bobblehead doll on my desk, and ask myself, "What would James Harrison do?" It would probably look something like this:

Facebook Status of the Day

There's nothing quite as funny as politics. Keep on rockin' in the free world.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• Alright, I easily won the health care debate tonight. Now I'm going to reward myself by looking at pictures of Vanessa Hudgens naked. I heard she's famous, but I really don't know. Either way, Barack Obama is our president, and I'm damn proud!

Runners Up:

• Actual sound-bite heard at a recent town hall meeting on health-care reform: “Keep your government hands out of my Medicare.”

• CI wants all his friends and relatives who are getting downsized, cut back, screwed down, kicked out and otherwise bedeviled by these hard times to band together with me in a live/work commune out on the land someplace. We shall live by our labors and reclaim our humanity. But there will be no TV. Now then, anybody got a couple hundred acres they aren't using?

Facebook Status of the Day

Today's post would more accurately described as "Facebook Status of the Past Several Days," but that would just look clunky, wouldn't it? The primary issue was that not enough people were funny in a single day to make it worthwhile. I'm thinking of you, dear reader, when I compile these. We all want these posts to be funny, no? So, vaguely amusing or mildly witty aren't going to cut it with me.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• Last time I went to Italy a lady threw a baby at me. While I tried to catch the baby, a little boy grabbed my wallet, arghhh!! SO if any body throws you a baby, just swat it to the ground!! Swat!!"

Runners Up:

• CG realized this morning that the dietitian assigned to Bob has the last name "Bacon." This should go well.

• BR wonders what it means when a trip to Somerset County yields an arranged Amish wedding and an indecent proposal from a one-legged man, with a cage full of birds, on a red scooter.

• MP blames my parents for my pain in the ass kids, because they said years ago, "I hope you have kids just like you."

• JC just taped a Nerf dart to her son's face for a microphone so he can pretend to be a Jonas Brother.

Thanks to Keri, Julie, Beth, and Janis for sending suggestions!

Facebook Status of the Day

So, I come to find out today that a few people who read my blog aren't on Facebook. Gasp! Who are these aliens, and what do they want from me? But seriously, they didn't quite get the concept of the "Facebook Status of the Day" blog posts. They thought the sentiments expressed within those posts were mine, and wondered why I didn't like "Entourage." Cute, right? Sooo, for the uninitiated, let's recap: The Facebook Status of the Day blog post recognizes the funny status updates of my friends (or friends of friends, as I occasionally get reader contributions emailed to me) from that day. To paraphrase our favorite news outlets: All opinions expressed in "Facebook Status of the Day" are solely the respective Facebookers' opinions and do not (necessarily) reflect the opinions of the author of this blog.

Now that we've dispensed with the formalities, let's move on to the funny stuff. Today was actually a HOT status day. Well played, friends. I had to really work to narrow down the field.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• So I watched "Dog the Bounty Hunter" last night. At the end of the show they said email them TIPS. I emailed this...I couldn't resist!! "Here’s a tip, I was watching your show for the first time, and after 2 glasses of water I realized your hair was making me thirsty. Damn. It’s called conditioner. Seriously."

Runners Up:

• I would totally fight a nun for an eggplant sandwich right now.

• RP wonders why another doctor would send a patient to me to be evaluated for headaches, considering I am a GYNECOLOGIST?!?! I don't care if they are "hormonal," what would you like me to do?
  Comment: I know a number of people I would consider sending to a proctologist to help dislodge their heads.

• HF thinks the phrase "Daddy, I'm going to fill this glass all the way up with milk, so I can be strong for tomorrow," actually means "as soon as you walk away, I am going to pour a pint of milk all over the kitchen."

Doodie Deeds

This doesn't exactly showcase top-shelf photography skills, but I was in a hurry! I pulled into a spot in the Wal-Mart parking lot (where all the classy business goes down), and found this outstanding bumper sticker staring my in the face. I knew I had to take a picture of it, but the owners of the truck happened to get back to their vehicle just as I arrived. I had to stall, wait till they got in the truck, then I snapped a quick picture and ran away. Hence the reason you'll find the tip of my lovely left index finger in the shot. I could have cropped it out, but I kept it as-is to maintain the integrity of my guerrilla blog journalism.

Of course, for the remainder of the day, I was singing AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap," with "Doodie" replacing "Dirty." Argh. Now it's back in my head again.

Facebook Status of the Day

I've been a bit winded from my huge photo post from Saturday, so I took off a few days to recoup. Also, people weren't very funny. Thanks for making it easy on me, friends. I am happy, however, that the funny returned with the start of the work week.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• Facebook just asked me if i'd like to become a fan of "Entourage." I just asked Facebook if it'd like to go Eff itself.

Runners Up:

• Random sudden urges for the day: corn on the cob and wishing I had never heard the word "birther"

• Obviously I'm not balla enough for my three year old, because he asked where my in-dash DVD player is :(

My Strange Photos

I like taking pictures of weird things I see when I'm out and about. Or, for my Canadian friends, oot and aboot. I'm totally bilingual.

Since there is hardly a human left without a cell phone...and we don't leave home without them...and nearly all cell phones now have cameras...we are all just a few clicks away from capturing the world around us at any given moment! So that's what I've been doing for the past few months. My son has been a big motivator of the project. Many of the photos you are about to see have been taken at his request when we are walking around the neighborhood. Ahem. I live in a nice neighborhood. Really. Don't judge.

This may be the oldest One-Way sign still standing. Note that there is a "modern" one across the street. I love that they haven't taken this one down.

Socks on a sidewalk. That pretty much sums this one up, but it's interesting to note that this was in front of a restaurant and an insurance agency. There are no homes or laundromats on this block.

Open umbrella high in a tree. This was actually taken on the same block on the same day as the socks. Perhaps a strong wind came along, knocked someone right out of his socks, and launched his umbrella into the branches.

Nothing says "classy" like a bottle of cheap berry-flavored booze in your front yard.

Not often seen in its natural habitat, the rare greenus flip-flopus can camouflage itself to protect it from predators. This is evolution at its finest.

Maybe I just don't get out that much, or I missed the last issue of Vogue, but I had no idea that they made Hawaiian SHORTS to MATCH Hawaiian shirts. The quality of this picture isn't so great, but I needed to capture this beauty without getting arrested for stalking.

I love anything with my initials on it, even if it's an Ohio license plate. I'm self-involved that way. This Buckeye clearly has good taste, even though we know they can't drive for crap.

Hoopty with a bunch of tow-away notices on it. Surprisingly enough, it did not have an Ohio plate on it.

This is a totally cool Volkswagen Karmann Ghia. Hopefully the tow truck in the background was on its way for the hoopty above.

Doesn't every Dairy Queen have a deck of playing cards and a water bottle strewn throughout the shrubbery surrounding its parking lot? This is an obvious locale for card playing and water consumption.

Last, but certainly not least: smoked pork skin. I have no idea what this is for, or how one prepares it. I could Google it, but I am going to choose to stay blissfully ignorant on this one. If I need to lose a few pounds, I go to the grocery store down the street and stare at the smoked pork skin. My appetite then hops on the nearest Greyhound and gets the heck out of town.

Facebook Status of the Day

Today's winner is a two-fer: same person, two consecutive (and related) posts. Enjoy!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• Dear Facebook, Before you came into my life, I actually had a life. Now all I do is spend time with you. My husband and I used to talk. Now we sit in separate rooms on separate computers, talking on IM. Please understand that because of this, we must part ways. Please don't get upset, there are millions of others out there to spend your time with. Just don't be so clingy and they will love you. Remember me fondly.
• Dear Facebook, After much thought in my last letter two hours ago, I have decided to come back to you. I can talk to my husband anytime, but my real "connection" is with you. ;) Please forgive me for thinking I could live without you.

Runners Up:

• GP is watching TV and wondering...Are the Hamburger Helper Hand and the Arby's Oven Mitt friends?

• KX only has to eat about 3 more pounds of this wheel of cheese before it's small enough to fit in the 'fridge...but I'm out of Triscuits!

• Maddy has been "promoted" to the toddler program early. Promotion is a nice word that the daycare center is using rather than "kicked out of the infant room."

Facebook Status of the Day

Thousands of Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez Pirates bobble-head dolls wept silent, bitter tears today, as the most disappointing team in Major League Baseball once again jettisoned their best performers in exchange for a ragtag bunch of players. Sigh. Perhaps I should just be grateful that the Steelers and Pens are reigning champs, but the Pirates make me sad. A once great franchise has become a punchline.

The good news? People were funny today! My friends on Facebook provided a much-welcomed respite from the crappola Pirates news.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• LF helped the blind man carry his beer across the road again, from the 7-11. I have learned more about this man. He loves the bands Boston and Grand Funk Railroad, which is good because he as a sweet mullet to match.

Runners Up:

• JW is worried that Max is aspiring to be in the mafia. He has us kiss his hand before bed each night. Wouldn't you be worried?

• Somehow, the Amish men are working on my roof in the pouring rain. No bullshit, one of the Amish dudes has a rain cover on his straw hat...now that's dedication!!

• PL just defined some deliverables and next steps, because it's time to fish or cut bait. Come on team! It's time to dismount because the horse is dead, we've got to inspect what we expect, under-promise and over-deliver, solicit some buy-in from decision makers and influencers, and realize that if we want to hunt with the big dogs that we need to get off of the porch. You guessed right! Another sales meeting!

Facebook Status of the Day

Kids say the darndest things!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• SW wonders where she has gone wrong as a parent. A conversation with my TWO-year-old this morning:
  Her: Mama, get the stroller so we can go to Kohl's.
  Me: We're not going to Kohl's today baby.
  Her: Ok, then how about Target?
  Comment: Someone's been watching her Little Einstein "Negotiation" DVD.

Runners Up:

• BL thinks the grocery store is the meeting place for Satan's followers.

• NM heard Fiona contemplate aloud today... "Hey! That's Barack Obama's house? Maybe I could use his potty..." (as we reached the White House fence).

Stuff I Like: Health and Beauty Products

In an attempt put more postive energy into my blog (although I must say, writing about things that annoy me is incredibly cathartic), I have decided to share some things that I actually like. First up: health and beauty products.

Olay Total Effects Touch of Sun is not the snappiest product name ever, but as a daily moisturizer, it can't be beat. I have very sensitive skin, and Olay moisturizers are the only ones have never caused breakouts for me. It's not greasy, and works perfectly under make-up. This product in no way makes me appear actually tan, despite the fact it contains self-tanner. It does, however, give me a nice, subtle, natual glow, or as I like to say, "it takes the glare off." Highly recommended, particularly for my fellow pale girls (and guys, for that matter). This retails for approximately $20, but I recently found a great deal on amazon.com, and scored three bottles for $4.99 each from a wholesaler. One bottle goes a long way, so I should be set for the next year, at least.

Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing Bar is great for every type of skin and was recommended to me by my dermatologist about three years ago. As previously mentioned, my skin is sensitive, and this is the best product I've ever used to wash my face. As advertised, it's very gentle, but still makes your face feel nice and squeaky clean after you use it (it has a great fresh smell, too). I don't have to use any additional eye make-up remover; the Cetaphil takes care of that, too. Perhaps best of all, it can be had for under $5. I keep a bar in a travel soap container in the medicine cabinet above my bathroom sink, as well as one in the shower, and I NEVER travel without it. If you have any kind of skin issues, it works wonderfully as a body cleanser as well (although my product of choice in that category is Dove Sensitive Skin Unscented).

Has anyone ever told you that you have nice eyelashes? Yeah, me either, until I started wearing CoverGirl's Exact Eyelights Mascara. I use the Black Sapphire for blue eyes, which earned me a compliment from a sales associate at Macy's in New York earlier this year. It has a touch of metallic sparkle to it that really does make your eyes pop. While it wears well all day, it isn't extremely difficult to remove with soap and water. It doesn't clump, even after two coats, and although in my opinion, it isn't the best mascara for lengthening and thickening, the eye brightening factor more than makes up for that.

There is a seemingly infinite number of tooth whitening products on the market right now, but for my money, nothing is faster or easier than Listerine Whitening Vibrant White pre-brush rinse. Results were apparent for me after just one use, and after a week of using it twice a day, I felt like the cartoon character whose teeth sparkle with the "ting ting" noise when I smiled.

OK, I'll go back to being snarky next time. In the meantime, please share your thoughts on these products or others in the comments section!

Facebook Status of the Day

Slow day. Let's hope Sunday is Funnyday.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• EV thinks it is cute when a guy has been asking me to go out with him, and I finally agree. And then he calls me up at the last minute and asks me this: "is it ok if my cousins come along, cuz I am so wasted." Yeah, he is a keeper...

Runners Up:

• JA thinks eating Good & Plenty candies while drinking beer equals great Saturday. It's redneck Pernot y'all.

• 4 pairs of cartoon underwear, 3 outfits in 5 hours, 10 baby wipes, 1 laundry tub full of soiled clothes...still hard to be angry when your 2 y/o looks at you and says, "Mommy, I will still love you even with poopie on your hand"!!!

• SB is on the edge of her seat--excited for football season to commence! She is so glad that the fair-weather Cardinal fans have crawled back into the holes from which they came and returned their jerseys and hats to the local WalMarts and supermarkets. Here we go, Steelers!!!

Facebook Status of the Day

I'm going to try to think of a less snarky, yet still interesting topic that I can blog about soon. Glancing back through some of the more recent ones, I feel as though I am becoming a younger, female Andy Rooney. My eyebrows are much more impeccably groomed than his, however.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• At long last, my son Andy initiated a game of baseball with the boy next door. Connor raises his arm to pitch (it was a regular baseball), tosses the ball to Andy, and pelts him in the mouth. Blood and screaming ensued. This will send him right back to looking at Vogue magazine...

Runners Up:

• Lily spent the last hour in the driveway, drinking a beer and cutting aluminum pipe. Sorry if I stole your status, ladies :)

• CG is wondering why he has to write papers in his accounting class...It's called acCOUNTING, not aWRITING!

Honorable Mention:

• I'm sitting here drinking my Snapple mixed with Dr Pepper and a Barq's root beer, looking out at my car with its front license plate wondering who I have to do or kill to get on the FB of the day. MaYbe tHis WILL HELP. :)

Thanks, Carrie, for contributing.

Facebook Status of the Day

It's been awhile since I've done one of these, and people were actually funny today! Thanks funny people!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• PF thinks that her hubby is da bomb!!!!! He found my three stone ring!!!! It was in the fridge wrapped up in leftovers. I love him. I'm not sure if I love him sooooo much because he found my ring or because he cleaned out the fridge? Guess I will be putting out tonight :(

Runners Up:

• TG is wondering how parents can let their baby have their toes chewed off by a rat. Only in Southern Ohio...and people make jokes of us Mountaineeers. Us dumb hillbillies woulda ate the rat not let the rat eat our kid.

• NY has been promoted at work from junior sh*t catcher to just plain old sh*t catcher.

• KD scored a Swingline from an empty office. KD: 1,
  Thursday: 0!

My Top 5 Worst Beverages

The small choices that we make in life say a lot about who we are. The type of shoes that we wear, the music that we listen to, the books that we read, and the beverages that we drink all contribute to the sum total of our personalities. In my case, I think that the beverages I hate say a lot about me. For whatever reason, I have a violent reaction to quite a few drinks. This fact itself may say a lot about me. Here’s the top five that I despise.

5. Snapple’s Raspberry Iced Tea
Tastes like bad breath smells. I don’t know that I need to say anything else.

4. Root Beer
What is root beer made from? Roots, herbs, and bark, according to Wikipedia. If I were stranded on a deserted island, this might have some appeal. Here in civilization, however, I will choose to drink a beverage that doesn’t make me feel like I just licked a tree.

3. Tomato Juice
I am against drinkable vegetables on principle alone (I know tomatoes are technically a fruit, but no one really believes that, do they?). I am also a major tomato hater. I love ketchup, love marinara sauce, hate tomatoes. Tomatoes are just so watery. And seedy. And drippy. Hold on, I’m gagging.

Seriously, just writing about it makes me start to sweat. I was once offered $20 in college (a lot of money for a poor college student in the mid-90s!) to eat one slice of tomato. I could have enjoyed quite a few beers with that money, but I couldn’t eat it. Tomato juice is the violent byproduct of this foul crop. When I am on a morning flight and someone orders a Bloody Mary, I break out the barf bag from my seat pocket. What person in their right mind wants to drink a great big glass of bloody liquid?!? Uhhhh, I’m feeling sick again. To top it all off, what do you put in a Bloody Mary? A STALK OF CELERY. Let’s pause to ponder this for a moment. Is there ANY other drink you would put a celery stalk into? Of course not! It just defies common sense. It’s revolting.

2. Dr Pepper*
Some seriously nasty business. What is in this liquid evil, and why do so many people like it? I decided to research its origins, because I was truly curious as to what flavors comprise this loathsome potion. Turns out, a former big man at Dr Pepper has no clue either:

W.W. Clements, a former CEO and president of the Dr Pepper/7-Up Company, described the taste of Dr Pepper as one-of-a-kind, saying "I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer, it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own."

Dear Mr. Clements,
I can identify that taste for you: EVIL (please see above).

A friend recently had me take a sip of his fountain drink because he realized it wasn’t the Diet Coke he had ordered. It was, in fact, a Dr Pepper. One sip and I developed a distinct, albeit brief, case of Tourette’s. I wove a tapestry of obscenities that hovered like a noxious cloud over an otherwise cheerful Whataburger. I then proceeded to quickly scrub my mouth out with fries and a double burger. Close call.

*Note: I did not mistakenly omit the period after “Dr”; that’s the official company usage. Further evidence of their evilness.

1. Water With Lemon Slice
This may seem like an odd choice for my number one most hated beverage. How can someone hate water? I actually love water, though I should definitely be drinking more of it. It’s obviously the lemon that transforms a perfectly healthy, necessary liquid into the object of my disdain. But here’s the real reason why water with a slice of lemon tops my list: I can easily avoid the other beverages on the list for the most part. For some ungodly reason, however, often when I order a glass of water at a restaurant (especially “nicer” restaurants), for some reason they think that I also want a chunk of pulpy, seedy citrus fruit dropped in there, too. The nerve of these people! If I wanted a glass of ghetto lemonade, I would have asked for it!

If you ordered a Coke, would you expect there to be an apple slice dropped into it? No! If you ordered an iced tea, would you expect there to be a chunk of broccoli in there? Never! I can’t describe how fired up I get when I see a server walking to my table with a glass of water with a lemon slice in it.

Memo to restaurants: when you drop a lemon slice in my water, you aren’t being fancy, you’re being presumptuous. Stop it.

For a brief period of time, I would ask for “water, no lemon” at restaurants I knew to be offenders. This often backfired, however, because the server wouldn’t hear the “no.” My request then became, “Could I please have a water without lemon? No lemons for me. Please don’t put a lemon in my water. Thanks.”

I think the solution is to bring a dish of lemon slices to the table. If you want one, you can add one. Everyone is happy. Or heaven forbid, the server could actually ASK you if you would like a lemon in your water. Such a novel idea!

Just when I thought I was done with this blog post, I found an article entitled, "Stop! Is that poop on your lemon?" on MSNBC. The beverage gods have vindicated me.

Worst. Drivers. Ever.

After being nearly run over by a Masshole in a mall parking lot last week, I came to a conclusion: states with the worst drivers require license plates on the front of vehicles so that you know who's responsible right before you get up close and personal with their windshield. In this case, I nearly had "Massachusetts, The Spirit of America" tattooed on my shins.

Exhibit A: we all know that the worst drivers in the world are from Ohio. Duh. Ohio is undoubtedly "The birthplace of aviation" because they knew even prior to the invention of the automobile that they would be far more skilled in the air than on land. Having lived in two states that border Ohio (which requires a front plate), I can confirm that when you see an erratic or careless driver on the road, 90% of the time they are from Ohio. I'm sure Ohio has some talented motorists. I have many friends that live in Ohio. Buckeyes are not renowned for being good drivers, however. Since Ohio also doesn't require passenger car safety inspections, you can see some...er..."interesting" vehicles on the road bearing an Ohio plate.

To provide further evidence to support my theory, the following states also require front license plates and represent eight of the ten states with the worst drivers, according to the 2009 GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test:

• New Jersey
• New York
• California
• Hawaii
• Connecticut
• Massachusetts
• Maryland
• Rhode Island

I am convinced that Pennsylvania could never require two plates, because there would be mass protests from the millions of citizens who would have to remove the Steelers plates from the front of their cars.

Is my daddy from Margaritaville?

People keep thinking my dad is Jimmy Buffet. My dad can't sing, and he certainly doesn't have "Jimmy Buffet money." Oh, how I wish he did. Quite a few people have refused to believe my dad when he tells them he is not Jimmy Buffet. I told him to start charging for autographs and pictures. Lauren needs a trust fund.

Here's the photographic evidence.

Facebook Status of the Day

It's nice to have people who notice when I don't blog. Thanks B, T, and C for your, ahem, subtle hints this morning.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• Well Henry made it 15min tonight at swimming, looking more like Phelps after the bong hits!!

Runners up:

• Man, getting up at seven adds a hell of a lot more to your day!!!! Geesh...
• FS would like to kick everyone who designs Pitney Bowes machinery and software in their big, stupid heads.
• DN's cat got her up at 7:30 a.m. I will now retaliate by vacuuming the entire house.

Facebook Status of the Day

Geez. I was super cranky last night. Sorry about that. I take it all back.

Not really.

So, people have been funny lately. Thanks for that. There's nothing like a potential pandemic to get people back in touch with their lighter sides. Good times.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• HD doesn't like to jump to conclusions about people and their accents, but she's guessing that telemarketer's real name was not "Bob."

Runners Up:

• I think I've got the it'ssssssssss wine flu. My weekend has officially begun.
• Still wondering why IT people ask the things they do. When you call because you were locked out of your computer because you used the wrong password, why do they ask you if you remember it or not? Gee, Chuck, I am going to go out on a limb here and say......NO, I DON'T REMEMBER IT!!!!

Facebook Etiquette, Part 2: The "Is" and the Quiz

There's an epidemic on Facebook. The first few times I saw it, it didn't really bother me. Now, it's just flat-out annoying. This status update makes me go BANANAS:

Jane Doe is

Um. How zen of you, Jane Doe. You "is." Awesome. Your presence in the world is so vital, it's worth reminding people that you exist. Congratulations. Now don't ever do it again. You're not being deep, it just shows you have nothing to say. And if you don't have anything to say, take your hands off of your keyboard. Thanks.

Because "is" rhymes with "quiz," (and therefore made a catchy title) I thought it was worth mentioning the inane Facebook quizzes here as well. I have no problem with people spending their time doing quizzes on Facebook. If it makes you happy, that's great. But I do want you to know that you will never, in fact, be a color, an '80s wrestler, a wine, or a pharmaceutical. You are a human. Probably. Work on being the best human you can be. Also, feel free NOT to publish your quiz results to the news feed. I can live without knowing that if you were a God, you would be Satan. I could have guessed as much on my own.

Facebook Status of the Day

I would dedicate today's Facebook Status of the Day entry to Bea Arthur, but frankly, none of them can carry her pocketbook. Rest in peace, Bea.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• HC was caught talking to herself this morning. This is why it's good to stand in the BACK of the elevator.

Runners up:

• BR's quote of the day "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
• DS: if I were a Lifetime Television for Women movie, I'd be called "I'm so over being under you: The Denise Smith Story." But who would play me?
• GH is not surprised it's gonna be 80 degrees the next 4 days because it happens every time I have to go to work. WTF.
• LS is wondering if my car is invisible. The number of times that crazy drivers almost hit me in the past two days---not to mention the one that actually did---is insane.

Brothers from Another Mother

I may go to hell for this. We can carpool.

I feel compelled, despite the potential eternal damnation, to point out an observance I made the other day while watching Zoboomafoo with my son. The Kratt brothers (Chris and Martin), the creators and human stars of the show, closely resemble another famous set of brothers. Those other brothers would be the convicted parent murderers Lyle and Erik Menendez.

Bracing myself for the bolt of lightning to strike me.

The Devil Is in the Details

Wow, where have I been? I wish I had some interesting reason for not blogging. Maybe that I had been recruited into the CIA for a top-secret, covert operation. Or perhaps that I hitch-hiked to Vegas to make my fortune on the slots. The real excuses are pretty boring: busy, lazy, apathetic, unmotivated. But that makes it MUCH more relatable, right?

For my reentry into the blogosphere, I thought I'd choose a topic that has not been addressed here before, and likely never will again: cooking.

I don't like to cook. People inevitably take that to mean that I am a bad cook. We should not, however, confuse distaste for a task with an inability to do it well. I might be a superior concert pianist. I just have no desire to find out. Same goes for cooking. I perform what I call "meal preparation." A stove is sometimes involved. So are fresh ingredients. But I had never followed a recipe in my life. The microwave is my friend.

At family gatherings, I am on cleaning patrol, because I don't cook. Works for me. I LOVE to clean. But for some reason, last week, I decided to volunteer to make something for Easter dinner: deviled eggs. Why deviled eggs? I dunno. Just popped into my brain and then came out of my mouth.

I found the most simple recipe I could for deviled eggs on the Food Network web site. I went to the store and bought the ingredients. Then the thought occurred to me: I am taking the eggs for a one-hour drive to West Virginia, and I don't have one of those handy-dandy deviled egg holder thingies. This was my first time to make food for a family gathering, so I knew my contribution was going to be under intense scrutiny. I was picturing my eggs strewn about a plastic container like the deck chairs on the Titanic.

But I didn't want to buy one of those handy-dandy deviled egg holder thingies. Lord knows if I would ever make them again, even IF they turned out well. So I began wracking my brain for ideas. How could I preserve the sanctity of my precious deviled eggs without buying some hunk of plastic I would probably never use again?

The solution I came up with: baking cups (or, as I like to call them, cupcake papers).

It worked quite well, for travelling and these were also nice to set on a dinner plate. The paper prevented the egg from sliding around. And, the deviled eggs were a hit! Or at least people said they liked them. And no one went to the hospital after eating them. So there's that.

Facebook Status of the Day

Two of my favorite Facebook Statuses from Thursday, March 12, have a WVU theme. Let's gooooo Mountaineers! Wooo!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• NP loves that the 'Eers bent Pitt over! Sorry Mom. I know you hate that kind of talk!!!

Runners up:

• MD's couch is nervous.
  [For those that have no idea what this means: http://www.usatoday.com/sports/college/football/2005-09-27-roundup_x.htm]
• SW is thinking about hooking up a zip line in my house so those darn kids will quit walking on my clean floor!!

Keep 'em coming people! I need more funny!

Facebook Status of the Day

The best from Wednesday, March 11:

Facebook Status of the Day:

• MJ says if you watch Jaws backwards, it is a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people, until they have to open a beach.

Runners up:

• PK is thinking all this rain is going to do wonders for my dandelion crop.
• JH is fairly certain that if I hear that Taylor Swift song one more time, I'm going to throw myself in front of Dick Cheney on a hunting trip!
• YG: JUST IN...Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Biblical Plague of Frogs, Muppet-Style...High Fashion?

I'm not even sure where to start with this photo from Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's fashion show in Paris last night. But I'll give it a shot.

First, I think I find the disembodied Kermit head hair band to be far more disturbing than this "coat." Second, I feel a sense that things have come full circle, because Jim Henson made the first Kermit the Frog from his mother's coat, and now we have a coat made of Kermits.

Yeah, that's all I have.

Facebook Etiquette, Part 1: Capital Offenses

OK, this is just embarrassing. Last week, I had the best of intentions to make it a productive blogging week. Then I got the flu. And whilst I had the killer flu, I still had a full-time job I needed to attempt to do. I also still had a four-year-old to take care of...with the flu. Therefore, my lofty goal of five blog entries last week ended up in the old circular file.

So, I'm back on the horse again this week, a few pounds lighter, hoping to be a better blogger.

Facebook proves to be endlessly fascinating to me, undoubtedly because people never cease to surprise, amaze and bore me, all at the same time. The ways in which people choose to communicate about themselves on Facebook is telling, and so I've chosen to embark on a series of blog entries examining some of these communication tactics. Today's topic: the arbitrary, unusual, and abusive uses of capitalization.

NOTE: I will be referencing real people's status updates here, but I will be removing names. If you happen to recognize yourself here, please don't take it the wrong way. You should sort of be flattered...I noticed you! Also, please don't hurt me.

1. WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME WITH THE WRITTEN WORD?
I am all for the judicious use of all caps to indicate excitement, or the kind of emphasis you would use with the spoken word.

For example: Lauren absolutely LOVES eating white frosting directly from the can.
A real, acceptable example from today: TF got a cool signed Holmes framed print of the game winning catch. AWESOME!

Some people, however, USE ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME, NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE FEELING AND IT'S VERY AGGRESSIVE. There is one particular woman in my group of Facebook friends who uses all caps for her status updates, when she writes on people's walls, when she comments on people's photos...ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME, PEOPLE.

I feel harassed every time I see her presence on the magical internets. It just seems wrong, when you're commenting on a sweet baby photo, to write, "OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST BABY I HAVE EVER SEEN YOU DRESS HER SO CUTE YOU ARE SO LUCKY SHE IS BEAUTIFUL." You see, people who use all caps all the time also seem to abhor punctuation.

So please, all cappers. Relax. You are stressing me the hell out. Use the good fingers that the Easter Bunny gave you to hit the Shift key every once in a while.

2. My Life Is One Headline After Another
Another Facebook friend capitalizes the first letter of every word of her status updates and all of her comments.

Real examples:

• HG Is Giggling Like A Piglet
• Lol! I Hear Ya! Thanks Girl! Ya We Went Out Last Night And It Was A Lot Of Fun. I Think I Will Really Like It Here!

I'm not sure what I think of this. On the one hand, I admire her unswerving consistency with it. She does it without fail. On the other hand, there's nothing that's correct about this from a usage perspective. It, however, comes nowhere close to hurting me like...

3. ARe You STaLKING Me? I aM SCaReD oF You
This? Just makes my brain burn. I feel horrible that you are even about to read this, because it's going to make your eyes cross and your heart palpitate. Here's the interesting part about this capitalization style. I only fully grasped the format as I was typing this. It is some mind-bending business.

This particular Facebook friend was using what I thought was a random sprinkling of capital letters. In writing this, I realized she is capitalizing the consonants, and making the vowels lowercase. Sweet Jesus. There is a method to the madness.

Brace yourself, here are some examples:

• ML DiDN'T GeT 2 Go 2 HeR ZuMBa CLaSS... HaD 2 DRiVe MY SiCK BaBY 2 MaMaW'S N WV... i MiSS HiM aLReaDY! BUT.... i HaVe THe WeeKeND KiD FRee!
• ML iS HeaDiNG 2 THe GYM... BouT 2 GeT SWeaTY! eWWWW!

Every time I read one of her status updates, I feel as though my puppy has been kidnapped and I am reading the ransom note.

People that I have referenced here: please don't be insulted. You add a bit of flavor to my life every day. That flavor may be week-old cabbage, but it keeps things interesting!

If you have any great capitalization use-and-abuse examples from Facebook, please share them in the comments section!