Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Top 5 Worst Beverages

The small choices that we make in life say a lot about who we are. The type of shoes that we wear, the music that we listen to, the books that we read, and the beverages that we drink all contribute to the sum total of our personalities. In my case, I think that the beverages I hate say a lot about me. For whatever reason, I have a violent reaction to quite a few drinks. This fact itself may say a lot about me. Here’s the top five that I despise.

5. Snapple’s Raspberry Iced Tea
Tastes like bad breath smells. I don’t know that I need to say anything else.

4. Root Beer
What is root beer made from? Roots, herbs, and bark, according to Wikipedia. If I were stranded on a deserted island, this might have some appeal. Here in civilization, however, I will choose to drink a beverage that doesn’t make me feel like I just licked a tree.

3. Tomato Juice
I am against drinkable vegetables on principle alone (I know tomatoes are technically a fruit, but no one really believes that, do they?). I am also a major tomato hater. I love ketchup, love marinara sauce, hate tomatoes. Tomatoes are just so watery. And seedy. And drippy. Hold on, I’m gagging.

Seriously, just writing about it makes me start to sweat. I was once offered $20 in college (a lot of money for a poor college student in the mid-90s!) to eat one slice of tomato. I could have enjoyed quite a few beers with that money, but I couldn’t eat it. Tomato juice is the violent byproduct of this foul crop. When I am on a morning flight and someone orders a Bloody Mary, I break out the barf bag from my seat pocket. What person in their right mind wants to drink a great big glass of bloody liquid?!? Uhhhh, I’m feeling sick again. To top it all off, what do you put in a Bloody Mary? A STALK OF CELERY. Let’s pause to ponder this for a moment. Is there ANY other drink you would put a celery stalk into? Of course not! It just defies common sense. It’s revolting.

2. Dr Pepper*
Some seriously nasty business. What is in this liquid evil, and why do so many people like it? I decided to research its origins, because I was truly curious as to what flavors comprise this loathsome potion. Turns out, a former big man at Dr Pepper has no clue either:

W.W. Clements, a former CEO and president of the Dr Pepper/7-Up Company, described the taste of Dr Pepper as one-of-a-kind, saying "I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer
, it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own."

Dear Mr. Clements,
I can identify that taste for you: EVIL (please see above).

A friend recently had me take a sip of his fountain drink because he realized it wasn’t the Diet Coke he had ordered. It was, in fact, a Dr Pepper. One sip and I developed a distinct, albeit brief, case of Tourette’s. I wove a tapestry of obscenities that hovered like a noxious cloud over an otherwise cheerful Whataburger. I then proceeded to quickly scrub my mouth out with fries and a double burger. Close call.

*Note: I did not mistakenly omit the period after “Dr”; that’s the official company usage. Further evidence of their evilness.

1. Water With Lemon Slice
This may seem like an odd choice for my number one most hated beverage. How can someone hate water? I actually love water, though I should definitely be drinking more of it. It’s obviously the lemon that transforms a perfectly healthy, necessary liquid into the object of my disdain. But here’s the real reason why water with a slice of lemon tops my list: I can easily avoid the other beverages on the list for the most part. For some ungodly reason, however, often when I order a glass of water at a restaurant (especially “nicer” restaurants), for some reason they think that I also want a chunk of pulpy, seedy citrus fruit dropped in there, too. The nerve of these people! If I wanted a glass of ghetto lemonade, I would have asked for it!

If you ordered a Coke, would you expect there to be an apple slice dropped into it? No! If you ordered an iced tea, would you expect there to be a chunk of broccoli in there? Never! I can’t describe how fired up I get when I see a server walking to my table with a glass of water with a lemon slice in it.

Memo to restaurants: when you drop a lemon slice in my water, you aren’t being fancy, you’re being presumptuous. Stop it.

For a brief period of time, I would ask for “water, no lemon” at restaurants I knew to be offenders. This often backfired, however, because the server wouldn’t hear the “no.” My request then became, “Could I please have a water without lemon? No lemons for me. Please don’t put a lemon in my water. Thanks.”

I think the solution is to bring a dish of lemon slices to the table. If you want one, you can add one. Everyone is happy. Or heaven forbid, the server could actually ASK you if you would like a lemon in your water. Such a novel idea!

Just when I thought I was done with this blog post, I found an article entitled, "Stop! Is that poop on your lemon?" on MSNBC. The beverage gods have vindicated me.


  1. Another drink with celery, possibly more evil than Dr. Pepper. (Note the . with the Dr -- I won't give in to their vile pressure tactics!!) -- check out the Slender Quenchers

  2. Buffra, that link didn't work for me.