Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Separated at birth?: Judge Belvin Perry and Urkel

I am completely enthralled with the Casey Anthony trial. I happened to catch the opening statements live, and from that point on, I've been hooked. I'll keep my thoughts on Casey to myself, but I hope that justice will be served for sweet Caylee.

Much like the O.J. Simpson trial, this tragic case has given birth to a cast of characters that runs the gamut from compelling to comical, and from eccentric to esoteric. My personal favorite is the no-nonsense Judge Belvin Perry. I'm obviously not alone in this; a Twitter account has been set up just to share the verbal gems of the infinitely quotable Judge Perry.

Judge Perry delivers more than just running commentary on the juror's evening meals and the "dessert lady." He also bears a striking resemblance to 90s sitcom icon Steve Urkel. Agree?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Facebook Status of the Day: The LeBron Edition

After a long hiatus, the "Facebook Status of the Day" is back, in honor of "LeBron James: The Decision." Seriously, was this the most overhyped, ridiculous moment in modern sports? I would like to think no one cared, but they did, they do, and they took to social media to air their opinions on it--and to poke a little fun.

My own LeBron Facebook status today was:
Inspired by LeBron, I've decided my new nickname shall be "The Decision."

It has a great "Jersey Shore" vibe, no? But we're not here to talk about me. Actually, yes we are. But I'll take a moment to put others in the spotlight.

Facebook Status of the Day:
  • Google maps is deleting Cleveland as we speak

Runners up:
  • F*ck off LeBron
(I enjoy simplicity)

  • "Emma, where did you think LeBron was going to go?" Her response: "I don't know...maybe Kroger?"

(Little Emma, I don't think they have Kroger in Miami, but LeBron can buy LOTS of groceries, no doubt.)

Friday, May 21, 2010

Top 10 Songs Stuck in my Head, Part 2

So, I've been mulling over the top five for the past 24 hours. I've even been taking notes. Yes, I'm a dork. But I take my responsibilities to you, dear reader, quite seriously.

After much introspection and soul searching, I've determined the top five songs stuck in my head:

5. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," Charlie Daniels Band

Charlie Daniels always makes me think of my junior high bus driver. She had a drink cozy next to her driver's seat that said, "My two best friends are Charlie and Jack Daniels." It probably wouldn't have inspired tremendous confidence in any parent who might have seen it, but she was awesome, nonetheless. Coincidentally, when this song gets stuck in my head, it truly does make me feel as though the devil got my soul. It also reminds me of the old Pizza Inn in Moundsville, WV, where it got heavy rotation on the jukebox in the '80s.

Top line stuck in my head: "Fire on the mountain, run boys run. The devil's in the house of the risin' sun. Chicken in the bread pan, pickin' out dough. 'Granny, does your dog bite?' 'No, child, no.'"

Aaaand, cue fiddle.

4. "Party in the U.S.A.," Miley Cyrus

This might be the best worst song ever. Or the worst best song. I can't decide. I have no idea how I have been exposed to this insipid song so many times, but really, it only takes one listen for it to start ricocheting around your brain like a berserk pinball.

Top line stuck in my head: "So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, and the butterflies fly away. I'm noddin' my head like, 'yeah.' Movin' my hips like, 'yeah.'"

Like, "no." Who writes this drivel?

3. "It Takes Two," Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock

Could I love a song more than this? Perhaps. But it ranks way up there in my heart. Twenty-two years after its release, "It Takes Two," is still guaranteed to make you shake your booty. If I hear it in the car, I'm not afraid to pull over and stage an impromptu dance party. Trust.

Top line stuck in my head: It's nearly impossible to pick, because I know every word, and the whole thing is awesome. But I'll have to go with, "I got an idea, that I wanna share. You don't like it? So what? I don't care." Words to live by.

2. "Jump Around," House of Pain

"Jump Around" + your cousin's wedding reception x open bar - shame = crazy Uncle Bernard doing the running man in a tuxedo.

Top line stuck in my head: "I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe, if your girl steps up, I'm smackin' the ho. Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs. I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms."

Let's all avert our eyes from the misogyny and just nod our heads like, "yeah."

1. "Single Ladies," Beyonce

Kayne West was right. Beyonce did make one of the best videos of all time. It's difficult to separate the song from the already iconic video, which has been re-enacted (poorly, for the most part, no doubt) thousands of times in thousands of living rooms, and uploaded to YouTube in droves. This song is seriously in my head at least once a week. Beyonce is an evil genius. Important to note: she has ensured herself a spot in every wedding reception; "Single Ladies" is the perfect song to accompany the bride's tossing of the bouquet.

Top line stuck in my head: "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it." Lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseam.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
"Baby," Justin Bieber (Hillary Swank's elfin doppelganger)
"Umbrella," Rihanna (I can no longer say "umbrella" without adding, "Ella, ella, eh, eh.")
"Here Comes the Hot Stepper," Ini Kamoze (Ch-ch-ching ching!)
Any commercial (I should have seen it comin' at me like an atom bomb.)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Top 10 Songs Stuck in my Head, Part 1

More often than not, on any given day, I have a song stuck in my head. My brain clearly has some masochistic tendencies, because these songs are usually crap. And let's face it, after hearing it repeatedly in your head for hours on end, any song is going to suck. This phenomenon has been termed an "earworm."

Adding to the trauma, my earworms typically involve one small section of a song, repeated over, and over, and over again in my head. This is likely because I have picked it up from TV, or in a store, and I don't actually know all of the lyrics. I try to "re-program" my brain by thinking of another, better song, but that tactic usually fails, and I have to let it run its course.

Here's the top 10 songs stuck in my head (and actually, not all of them are crap).

10. "Baby Got Back," by Sir Mix-A-Lot
This is a classic, to be sure, but it's not exactly the height of intelligent, insightful lyricism. I am not ashamed to admit that I do actually know every word to this song. OK, after typing that, I change my mind. I am ashamed.

Top line stuck in my head: "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon."
Yep. Ashamed.

9. Subway's "Five-dollar footlong" jingle
This is some insidous business. I actually read an article on Slate a few years ago in which the author speaks to the composer of the jingle, in an effort to determine if there was indeed a diabolical earworm strategy behind it. Read it for yourself to get the answer.

Top line stuck in my head: Umm. "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot looooooong."

8. "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," by Michael Jackson
Ok, this song is actually pretty awesome. After MJ's death last year, I had quite a few of his songs stuck in my brain's rotation. There are far worse earworms until you get to the...

Top line stuck in my head: "Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa, ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa." MAKE IT STOP!

7. "We Will Rock You," by Queen
It's a sports stadium staple, complete with stomp-and-clap crowd participation. Queen does, in fact, rock us. I don't, however, appreciate them taking up residence in my head, rent-free, for hours on end.

Top line stuck in my head: "We will, we will, rock you." Duh.

6. "Tik Tok," by Ke$ha
I felt even more ashamed after typing that idiotic dollar sign in her name. I don't listen to top 40 radio often (because I am rarely in the car; I drive less than 4,000 miles a year. That's a story for another day), but this song has been pretty inescapable. It seems to be on TV nonstop. Because it's used often in promos, I don't actually know all of the lyrics. That may be a blessing, but it also means there's just one...

Top line stuck in my head: "Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up, tonight, I'mma fight, till we see the sunlight."

Stay tuned for the Top 5!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

My advice for Ben Roethlisberger

Upon learning that Ben Roethlisberger lost his beef jerky endorsement deal, I thought I would offer some unsolicited advice to the troubled Steelers quarterback. Plenty of image consultants have hit the airwaves recently to share their crisis management recommendations for Big Ben, so I figured I would throw my hat in the ring. I do have professional experience and a degree in public relations, after all.

My suggestion: Roethlisberger should transition from a beef jerky endorsement to a pork rinds endorsement. Why?

Because they have so much in common: They are both greasy, a bad investment, and create a violent experience in the bathroom.*

I'm giving you that one for free, Ben. You're welcome.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Separated at birth?

When I was watching the Golden Globes a few weeks ago, I was shocked to see Foo Fighters' frontman Dave Grohl take the stage to receive an award for Best Screenplay for Up in the Air. Then I realized it was actually Jason Reitman, the writer/director of the film.

Fun fact: Jason Reitman is the son of Ivan Reitman, director of films including Ghostbusters, Stripes, and Kindergarten Cop.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm so 2010: How to name a decade

December got away from me! I am hoping to blog more in the new year. But resolutions are for chumps, so I won't be putting that tag on it.

As we enter this new year, and a new decade, we're faced with many questions.

What the heck do we call that last decade anyway? The 2000s? The 00's? The aughts?

Even The New Yorker doesn't know what to call it. Time magazine called it the decade from hell. I was just 23 when the last decade dawned, so I don't have much first-hand experience with other decades as comparison. But, I would have to agree that it seemed pretty hellacious at times. It's strange that we didn't arrive at a consensus on what to call the decade as we lived through it. It's even stranger now that it's over.

Other even trickier questions emerge. What do we call the next decade? The British seemed to have hopped on this one faster than the Americans; I haven't found much on the topic other than this Telegraph article that cites an insurance web site survey on what to call the decade that begins in 2010. The winner of this survey? The "twenty-tens." Thrilling!

Wikipedia already has a page for the decade, because there is a Wikipedia page for everything. Examples include your mom, turducken, and Ernie from "Sesame Street." See? Everything.

Another question: How do we verbally refer to the year 2010? Is it twenty-ten? Is it two thousand and ten? I suspect both will be used frequently. I don't think, however, the year will be referred to in retrospect in the same way we did with years from the first decade of the millenium. I have frequently referenced things that happened in, for example, "oh-four" or "oh-seven." I don't forsee anyone looking back on the events of this year and denoting it as "ten."

Time will tell. I'm just hoping we figure out a name for the decade that began in 2000 before the next one is over.

And don't get me started on whether the decade actually starts at 2010 or 2011. Yes, I know there was no "year zero." But no one argued about it when 1989 became 1990. Technically that decade would have spanned 1981-1990. But isn't it just simpler to refer to "the 80s"?

Let's just all agree that it's a new decade and move on, ok?