Friday, July 31, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

Today's winner is a two-fer: same person, two consecutive (and related) posts. Enjoy!

Facebook Status of the Day:
  • Dear Facebook, Before you came into my life, I actually had a life. Now all I do is spend time with you. My husband and I used to talk. Now we sit in separate rooms on separate computers, talking on IM. Please understand that because of this, we must part ways. Please don't get upset, there are millions of others out there to spend your time with. Just don't be so clingy and they will love you. Remember me fondly.
  • Dear Facebook, After much thought in my last letter two hours ago, I have decided to come back to you. I can talk to my husband anytime, but my real "connection" is with you. ;) Please forgive me for thinking I could live without you.

Runners Up:

  • GP is watching TV and wondering...Are the Hamburger Helper Hand and the Arby's Oven Mitt friends?

  • KX only has to eat about 3 more pounds of this wheel of cheese before it's small enough to fit in the 'fridge...but I'm out of Triscuits!

  • Maddy has been "promoted" to the toddler program early. Promotion is a nice word that the daycare center is using rather than "kicked out of the infant room."

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

Thousands of Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez Pirates bobble-head dolls wept silent, bitter tears today, as the most disappointing team in Major League Baseball once again jettisoned their best performers in exchange for a ragtag bunch of players. Sigh. Perhaps I should just be grateful that the Steelers and Pens are reigning champs, but the Pirates make me sad. A once great franchise has become a punchline.

The good news? People were funny today! My friends on Facebook provided a much-welcomed respite from the crappola Pirates news.

Facebook Status of the Day:

  • LF helped the blind man carry his beer across the road again, from the 7-11. I have learned more about this man. He loves the bands Boston and Grand Funk Railroad, which is good because he as a sweet mullet to match.

Runners Up:

  • JW is worried that Max is aspiring to be in the mafia. He has us kiss his hand before bed each night. Wouldn't you be worried?

  • Somehow, the Amish men are working on my roof in the pouring rain. No bullshit, one of the Amish dudes has a rain cover on his straw that's dedication!!

  • PL just defined some deliverables and next steps, because it's time to fish or cut bait. Come on team! It's time to dismount because the horse is dead, we've got to inspect what we expect, under-promise and over-deliver, solicit some buy-in from decision makers and influencers, and realize that if we want to hunt with the big dogs that we need to get off of the porch. You guessed right! Another sales meeting!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

Kids say the darndest things!

Facebook Status of the Day:

  • SW wonders where she has gone wrong as a parent. A conversation with my TWO-year-old this morning:
    Her: Mama, get the stroller so we can go to Kohl's.
    Me: We're not going to Kohl's today baby.
    Her: Ok, then how about Target?
    Comment: Someone's been watching her Little Einstein "Negotiation" DVD.
Runners Up:

  • BL thinks the grocery store is the meeting place for Satan's followers.

  • NM heard Fiona contemplate aloud today... "Hey! That's Barack Obama's house? Maybe I could use his potty..." (as we reached the White House fence).

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Stuff I Like: Health and Beauty Products

In an attempt put more postive energy into my blog (although I must say, writing about things that annoy me is incredibly cathartic), I have decided to share some things that I actually like. First up: health and beauty products.

Olay Total Effects Touch of Sun is not the snappiest product name ever, but as a daily moisturizer, it can't be beat. I have very sensitive skin, and Olay moisturizers are the only ones have never caused breakouts for me. It's not greasy, and works perfectly under make-up. This product in no way makes me appear actually tan, despite the fact it contains self-tanner. It does, however, give me a nice, subtle, natual glow, or as I like to say, "it takes the glare off." Highly recommended, particularly for my fellow pale girls (and guys, for that matter). This retails for approximately $20, but I recently found a great deal on, and scored three bottles for $4.99 each from a wholesaler. One bottle goes a long way, so I should be set for the next year, at least.

Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing Bar is great for every type of skin and was recommended to me by my dermatologist about three years ago. As previously mentioned, my skin is sensitive, and this is the best product I've ever used to wash my face. As advertised, it's very gentle, but still makes your face feel nice and squeaky clean after you use it (it has a great fresh smell, too). I don't have to use any additional eye make-up remover; the Cetaphil takes care of that, too. Perhaps best of all, it can be had for under $5. I keep a bar in a travel soap container in the medicine cabinet above my bathroom sink, as well as one in the shower, and I NEVER travel without it. If you have any kind of skin issues, it works wonderfully as a body cleanser as well (although my product of choice in that category is Dove Sensitive Skin Unscented).

Has anyone ever told you that you have nice eyelashes? Yeah, me either, until I started wearing CoverGirl's Exact Eyelights Mascara. I use the Black Sapphire for blue eyes, which earned me a compliment from a sales associate at Macy's in New York earlier this year. It has a touch of metallic sparkle to it that really does make your eyes pop. While it wears well all day, it isn't extremely difficult to remove with soap and water. It doesn't clump, even after two coats, and although in my opinion, it isn't the best mascara for lengthening and thickening, the eye brightening factor more than makes up for that.

There is a seemingly infinite number of tooth whitening products on the market right now, but for my money, nothing is faster or easier than Listerine Whitening Vibrant White pre-brush rinse. Results were apparent for me after just one use, and after a week of using it twice a day, I felt like the cartoon character whose teeth sparkle with the "ting ting" noise when I smiled.

OK, I'll go back to being snarky next time. In the meantime, please share your thoughts on these products or others in the comments section!

Facebook Status of the Day

Slow day. Let's hope Sunday is Funnyday.

Facebook Status of the Day:
  • EV thinks it is cute when a guy has been asking me to go out with him, and I finally agree. And then he calls me up at the last minute and asks me this: "is it ok if my cousins come along, cuz I am so wasted." Yeah, he is a keeper...
Runners Up:
  • JA thinks eating Good & Plenty candies while drinking beer equals great Saturday. It's redneck Pernot y'all.

  • 4 pairs of cartoon underwear, 3 outfits in 5 hours, 10 baby wipes, 1 laundry tub full of soiled clothes...still hard to be angry when your 2 y/o looks at you and says, "Mommy, I will still love you even with poopie on your hand"!!!

  • SB is on the edge of her seat--excited for football season to commence! She is so glad that the fair-weather Cardinal fans have crawled back into the holes from which they came and returned their jerseys and hats to the local WalMarts and supermarkets. Here we go, Steelers!!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

I'm going to try to think of a less snarky, yet still interesting topic that I can blog about soon. Glancing back through some of the more recent ones, I feel as though I am becoming a younger, female Andy Rooney. My eyebrows are much more impeccably groomed than his, however.

Facebook Status of the Day:

  • At long last, my son Andy initiated a game of baseball with the boy next door. Connor raises his arm to pitch (it was a regular baseball), tosses the ball to Andy, and pelts him in the mouth. Blood and screaming ensued. This will send him right back to looking at Vogue magazine...
Runners Up:

  • Lily spent the last hour in the driveway, drinking a beer and cutting aluminum pipe. Sorry if I stole your status, ladies :)

  • CG is wondering why he has to write papers in his accounting class...It's called acCOUNTING, not aWRITING!

Honorable Mention:

  • I'm sitting here drinking my Snapple mixed with Dr Pepper and a Barq's root beer, looking out at my car with its front license plate wondering who I have to do or kill to get on the FB of the day. MaYbe tHis WILL HELP. :)

Thanks, Carrie, for contributing.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

It's been awhile since I've done one of these, and people were actually funny today! Thanks funny people!

Facebook Status of the Day:

  • PF thinks that her hubby is da bomb!!!!! He found my three stone ring!!!! It was in the fridge wrapped up in leftovers. I love him. I'm not sure if I love him sooooo much because he found my ring or because he cleaned out the fridge? Guess I will be putting out tonight :(
Runners Up:
  • TG is wondering how parents can let their baby have their toes chewed off by a rat. Only in Southern Ohio...and people make jokes of us Mountaineeers. Us dumb hillbillies woulda ate the rat not let the rat eat our kid.

  • NY has been promoted at work from junior sh*t catcher to just plain old sh*t catcher.

  • KD scored a Swingline from an empty office. KD: 1,
    Thursday: 0!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Top 5 Worst Beverages

The small choices that we make in life say a lot about who we are. The type of shoes that we wear, the music that we listen to, the books that we read, and the beverages that we drink all contribute to the sum total of our personalities. In my case, I think that the beverages I hate say a lot about me. For whatever reason, I have a violent reaction to quite a few drinks. This fact itself may say a lot about me. Here’s the top five that I despise.

5. Snapple’s Raspberry Iced Tea
Tastes like bad breath smells. I don’t know that I need to say anything else.

4. Root Beer
What is root beer made from? Roots, herbs, and bark, according to Wikipedia. If I were stranded on a deserted island, this might have some appeal. Here in civilization, however, I will choose to drink a beverage that doesn’t make me feel like I just licked a tree.

3. Tomato Juice
I am against drinkable vegetables on principle alone (I know tomatoes are technically a fruit, but no one really believes that, do they?). I am also a major tomato hater. I love ketchup, love marinara sauce, hate tomatoes. Tomatoes are just so watery. And seedy. And drippy. Hold on, I’m gagging.

Seriously, just writing about it makes me start to sweat. I was once offered $20 in college (a lot of money for a poor college student in the mid-90s!) to eat one slice of tomato. I could have enjoyed quite a few beers with that money, but I couldn’t eat it. Tomato juice is the violent byproduct of this foul crop. When I am on a morning flight and someone orders a Bloody Mary, I break out the barf bag from my seat pocket. What person in their right mind wants to drink a great big glass of bloody liquid?!? Uhhhh, I’m feeling sick again. To top it all off, what do you put in a Bloody Mary? A STALK OF CELERY. Let’s pause to ponder this for a moment. Is there ANY other drink you would put a celery stalk into? Of course not! It just defies common sense. It’s revolting.

2. Dr Pepper*
Some seriously nasty business. What is in this liquid evil, and why do so many people like it? I decided to research its origins, because I was truly curious as to what flavors comprise this loathsome potion. Turns out, a former big man at Dr Pepper has no clue either:

W.W. Clements, a former CEO and president of the Dr Pepper/7-Up Company, described the taste of Dr Pepper as one-of-a-kind, saying "I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer
, it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own."

Dear Mr. Clements,
I can identify that taste for you: EVIL (please see above).

A friend recently had me take a sip of his fountain drink because he realized it wasn’t the Diet Coke he had ordered. It was, in fact, a Dr Pepper. One sip and I developed a distinct, albeit brief, case of Tourette’s. I wove a tapestry of obscenities that hovered like a noxious cloud over an otherwise cheerful Whataburger. I then proceeded to quickly scrub my mouth out with fries and a double burger. Close call.

*Note: I did not mistakenly omit the period after “Dr”; that’s the official company usage. Further evidence of their evilness.

1. Water With Lemon Slice
This may seem like an odd choice for my number one most hated beverage. How can someone hate water? I actually love water, though I should definitely be drinking more of it. It’s obviously the lemon that transforms a perfectly healthy, necessary liquid into the object of my disdain. But here’s the real reason why water with a slice of lemon tops my list: I can easily avoid the other beverages on the list for the most part. For some ungodly reason, however, often when I order a glass of water at a restaurant (especially “nicer” restaurants), for some reason they think that I also want a chunk of pulpy, seedy citrus fruit dropped in there, too. The nerve of these people! If I wanted a glass of ghetto lemonade, I would have asked for it!

If you ordered a Coke, would you expect there to be an apple slice dropped into it? No! If you ordered an iced tea, would you expect there to be a chunk of broccoli in there? Never! I can’t describe how fired up I get when I see a server walking to my table with a glass of water with a lemon slice in it.

Memo to restaurants: when you drop a lemon slice in my water, you aren’t being fancy, you’re being presumptuous. Stop it.

For a brief period of time, I would ask for “water, no lemon” at restaurants I knew to be offenders. This often backfired, however, because the server wouldn’t hear the “no.” My request then became, “Could I please have a water without lemon? No lemons for me. Please don’t put a lemon in my water. Thanks.”

I think the solution is to bring a dish of lemon slices to the table. If you want one, you can add one. Everyone is happy. Or heaven forbid, the server could actually ASK you if you would like a lemon in your water. Such a novel idea!

Just when I thought I was done with this blog post, I found an article entitled, "Stop! Is that poop on your lemon?" on MSNBC. The beverage gods have vindicated me.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Worst. Drivers. Ever.

After being nearly run over by a Masshole in a mall parking lot last week, I came to a conclusion: states with the worst drivers require license plates on the front of vehicles so that you know who's responsible right before you get up close and personal with their windshield. In this case, I nearly had "Massachusetts, The Spirit of America" tattooed on my shins.

Exhibit A: we all know that the worst drivers in the world are from Ohio. Duh. Ohio is undoubtedly "The birthplace of aviation" because they knew even prior to the invention of the automobile that they would be far more skilled in the air than on land. Having lived in two states that border Ohio (which requires a front plate), I can confirm that when you see an erratic or careless driver on the road, 90% of the time they are from Ohio. I'm sure Ohio has some talented motorists. I have many friends that live in Ohio. Buckeyes are not renowned for being good drivers, however. Since Ohio also doesn't require passenger car safety inspections, you can see"interesting" vehicles on the road bearing an Ohio plate.

To provide further evidence to support my theory, the following states also require front license plates and represent eight of the ten states with the worst drivers, according to the 2009 GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test:
  • New Jersey
  • New York
  • California
  • Hawaii
  • Connecticut
  • Massachusetts
  • Maryland
  • Rhode Island
I am convinced that Pennsylvania could never require two plates, because there would be mass protests from the millions of citizens who would have to remove the Steelers plates from the front of their cars.