Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Cold and flu it over yet? I hate it as much as the next person, but I've been pretty lucky to only get one or two colds a year. When I do come down with a bug, though, I go through the five stages of grief:
  1. Denial: I have a little tickly feeling in my throat, but it's probably just because of the dry air. Or because I slept all night with my mouth wide open, and woke up in a puddle of my own drool. But I'm not getting sick. Can't be.
  2. Anger: I AM getting sick. I KNEW that little snotty kid at the grocery store was going to infect me with his cooties when he sneezed my way! This isn't FAIR! My weekend is SO ruined now.

  3. Bargaining: Please God, Muhammad, Buddha, Santa Claus, whoever may be listening right now, just make me feel better. I promise I will never take being well for granted again. I will do that charity work I've been thinking about. Just make the pain go away. Pretty please.

  4. Depression: Who am I kidding? I'm never going to be well again. I'm going to endure the rest of my days with a faucet for a nose and razor blades in my throat.

  5. Acceptance: Wow, when I woke up this morning I didn't feel like someone hit me in the face with a shovel all night. I am going to be well again. The sun is out, the birds are singing. Thank you Santa!
I would guess most people cycle through a similar range of emotions during a cold. I think I may, however, have an additional set of thoughts that are a bit different. So, in keeping with the "Shame Week" concept, I'll share them here.

As any Grey's Anatomy viewer worth her weight in tongue depressors can tell you, one of the basic precepts of the medical profession is "first, do no harm." Since I am not a medical professional, thankfully that rule doesn't apply to me. Because when I am sick, I think about doing lots of strange things to alleviate my symptoms--ones that, in reality, would be incredibly painful.

DISCLAIMER: I have not and would never intentionally hurt myself. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me could tell you that. Why? Because I am way too vain for any kind of self-harm. Also, I am a chicken.

With that in mind, let's explore the ways in which my mind creates inventive ways to alleviate the symptoms of the common cold.

Problem: Sore throat
Solution: Self-tonsillectomy with a butter knife. I'm sure one of my Henckel's would be much more effective, but knives scare me worse than guns. So butter knife it is.

Problem: Hacking, productive cough
Solution: Lung scrubbing with a giant bottle cleaning brush

Problem: Snotty nose
Solution: Special nasal attachment to my Hoover WindTunnel

Problem: Headache
Solution: Small hand drill applied to the craniofacial bones to create a hole that will release pressure

So those are totally normal thoughts, right? Everyone must do that. Anyone? Um. OK then.

Please share your masochistic cold relief thoughts in the comments section. Or we can all just avert our eyes and pretend this never happened.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

It's time for that and it's about that time: the Facebook Status of the Day. I would guess that 90%+ of my Facebook statuses today were variations on the following themes:
  • It's snowing...AGAIN.
  • The Steelers are the coolest, most awesometasticsuperlicious team ever, and they will destroy the Cardinals on Sunday.
  • Teachers: Look at me, I have another snow day! Yay!
  • Parents: Holy crap, my kids have another snow day, and I would run away from home if all this damn snow wasn't in my way.
  • Did I mention that it's snowing?

So, I didn't exactly have a plethora of subject matter to choose from, but once again, my friends did not disappoint. Here goes...

Facebook Status of the Day:

  • SP is going to punch this snow in the face if it delays my flight to Tampa.

Runners up:

  • FN thinks when you don't work and can't drink, Fridays mean nothing.
  • HL is still itching like a crack ho lookin' for a fix!

Thanks people! Keep being funny. And don't forget to share your favorite funny status updates in the comments section. I loved the ones that were submitted yesterday!

Crocs alert!

I just tracked my Crocs shipment. They have made their way to Wisconsin. That seems like an appropriate place for them to stay, but I'm guessing they'll continue their plodding march to Pittsburgh.

They're even uglier than I remember! Ugh.

I'm "Lost" without you

I'm a huge fan of the television show "Lost," but as any regular viewer can attest, you're often left with more questions than answers by the time the closing credits roll each week. I've seen every episode of the series, and I still have a hard time keeping up with all the intricate threads the show's creaters have spun. But that intricacy is also what makes the show so awesome.

To help fill in the plot points my feeble brain has failed to capture, I usually check in with my favorite television recap web sites the day after a new episode has aired. If there's anything better than watching television shows, it's reading about television shows!

I would never attempt to recap or analyze my favorite shows in great detail on this blog (there are people out there that get paid good money to do that already). Television Without Pity and Entertainment Weekly's TV Watch do it best, in my opinion. They cover many of the cult favorites and ratings leaders (TwoP's coverage has much more depth and breadth, though).

If you know of some great TV recap/analysis sites, please share them in the comments section. Happy watching--and reading!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Facebook Status of the Day

I'm a relatively recent devotee of Facebook, and I've really enjoyed getting back in touch with so many people through it. I've discovered that many of my friends and colleagues on Facebook are really funny. Some of them are even intentionally funny!

So, to pay respect to the funny, I've decided to start a regular feature on my blog: the Facebook Status of the Day. I'll remove the identifying information to protect the (not so) innocent. This could be a total violation of privacy, but I'm hoping people just think it's funny. Let's give it a shot. Also, feel free to submit your candidates from your own friend list. I'll include the best here!

Facebook Status of the Day:
SR is looking for a boarding school for her four year old...the little f-r won't stop drawing on my walls and floors!

Runners up:
PN is sending letters to tenants informing them they are NOT allowed using their closet doors as beer pong tables!

BD can't wait until Sunday! Let's blitz some birdies! She's also annoyed by her new brown-nosing cubicle neighbor. She wants to strangle him with his ugly neck ties.

Thanks for making me laugh today, Facebook friends! Don't forget to submit your funniest FB status updates in the comments section!

Let go of my logo

Is it just me, or does the new Pepsi logo look eeriely similar to the Obama logo? (Particulary if you turn the Pepsi logo upside down...or do a headstand while looking at it. Either one.)

Even the new Pepsi tagline, "...Something for Everyone," feels Obama-esque. Although I would say the tagline from the '80s, "The Choice of New Generation," serves as an even more appropriate comparison to Obama. And it also spawned this amazing commercial. Wow.

Regardless of Pepsi's new campaign, I am, and forever will be, a Diet Coke girl. Caffeine-free, of course.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's (Steel) Curtains for the Cardinals

I made two Steelers-related observations during my trip to the grocery store today. The first was Troy Polamalu on the cover of Sports Illustrated. So of course I was all saucy because of the SI cover curse (but I bought it anyway). Then someone kindly pointed out that they may have a Cardinals cover for the West Coast. I did some online research and was pleased to discover there are two covers this week. Whew.

The Steelers have been on the cover of SI quite a few times this season, and it hasn't seemed to hurt them. Here's hoping that streak continues. My favorite Steelers cover this season wasn't on SI, but ESPN the Magazine. It featured the entire Steelers D, including my personal favorite, Casey Hampton. I swear that Big Snack almost never plays in the 4th quarter because he's worn out by then. Also, he's probably hungry. Love him.

My other Steelers moment at the grocery store occurred on my way out. I noticed black and gold signs taped to the door stating that the store would close at 6:00 pm on Superbowl Sunday, and would not reopen until 8:00 am on Monday morning. This is normally a 24-hour grocery store. It cracked me up, but made sense at the same time. First, I'm sure the owners would expect all of their employees to call in sick that day. Second, who the hell in Pittsburgh is going to be grocery shopping immediately before, during, or after the Superbowl?!?!?
I've since heard of a few other businesses closing up early on Sunday evening. Hopefully the hospitals will manage to stay open.

Whole latte love

Thanks to the, um, character-building feedback I received on my undeniably questionable choice to buy Crocs, I've decided to stick with a confessional theme this week. We can call it "Shame Week." It will be like "Shark Week," only much, much scarier.

So, I've been a regular coffee drinker for probably 10 years. (I have, however, led an almost-exclusively decaffeinated lifestyle for the past five years. I'll save that story for another post). I was never a frou-frou coffee drinker. In fact, I was baffled that people would pay upwards of $3 for a cup of coffee (especially as we were all complaining that a gallon of gas cost that much). I was born and raised in West Virginia, and designer coffee just seems incredibly indulgent to someone with a blue-collar background.

I would occasionally go to Starbucks, but usually just once or twice around the holidays. I was a sucker for the gingerbread latte, and those red holiday cups are just so festive. But I still found the whole thing sort of intimidating and elitist. A small is a tall? Grande sounds big, but that's only the medium. Skinny? Extra hot? No foam? WTF? I need a coffee house dictionary.

When my son started going to daycare just over two years ago, I began stopping at Sunoco on my way home for a cup of coffee. Yes, I was buying my coffee at a gas station (and this isn't even the confessional part). It was actually quite tasty, and if you brought your own mug, you got a discount! I even purchased my travel coffee mug from the Sunoco. I'd march in there every morning with my silver mug in hand, happy to know that I wasn't adding a paper cup to a landfill that day.

But just over a year ago, I walked in and saw a new guy making the coffee. I poured my cup of decaf as usual, and then went to the counter to pay. New Sunoco worker came over to ring me up, and I froze in horror as he stopped in front of me. The man had dandruff the size of tumbleweeds all over his blue Sunoco smock. I fought my gag reflex long enough to pay the poor man, and hightailed it out of there. The coffee went directly into my kitchen sink, and I haven't been back since.

Coincidentally, right around the time of the Sunoco incident, a new Starbucks had just opened less than a mile from my house. I decided to check it out. At first, I would just order a decaf coffee, but frankly, I think Starbucks' regular coffee bites. I could attempt to chronicle in some detail my rapid decline into Starbucks hell, but suffice to say, I went from ordering "a small decaf coffee" to an "iced venti decaf skinny vanilla latte, light ice" in a matter of days.

Yes, I’m one of those people now.

Not only do I have an annoying order, but I have to have it every day. I think about it every night before I go to bed. And it gets worse. After a month or so of having a consistently regular order, the Starbucks workers (I am refraining from calling them baristas, to maintain some level of dignity) started to know my order as soon as I walked in. Part of me thought, “This is cool. I am like Norm on Cheers. And if there is a long line, my drink is ready as soon as I pay, because they’ve already started it for me.” Another part of me thought, “This is scary. I am obviously here way too much. I have been sucked into the evil corporate machine. Fight the man and run the other way!”

But I didn’t. I’m still there every day. I own a Starbucks Gold Card (which paid for itself quickly, no doubt). I’ve actually had assorted friends and relatives pick up a drink there for me, AND THE STARBUCKS PEOPLE KNOW IT’S FOR ME EVEN WHEN I’M NOT THERE. Creepy. My habit costs me more than $100 a month.

I made an attempt to patronize a local, independently owned coffee shop recently, because that really feels like more my style. But you know what? It was more expensive, and it didn’t even taste as good.

I’m a slave to Starbucks, and I’ve grown to accept it. I don’t drink alcohol (as anyone who has seen me after one cocktail can attest to), and I don’t have any expensive hobbies. So Starbucks is my hobby. It could be worse.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What's happened to Chelsea, lately?

Chelsea Handler is one of my favorite funny ladies, but I'm suspecting that she's had a little work done to her face. On a recent episode of Chelsea Lately, she was sporting a black eye, and even made a joke about it. Since then, I've noticed a difference in her appearance. It looks as though she might have had some filler injected in her cheek bones (or maybe even some cheek bone implants). I'm not opposed to cosmetic procedures or plastic surgery, but we definitely don't want our lovely Chelsea looking like she's had two Tupperware lids jammed into her face.

I've searched the web for any photos or news on this, but only found one Chelsea fan site that mentioned her black eye. Anybody else notice this?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Forgive me fashions gods, for I have sinned

So, this is my first blog post, and I thought I'd start out with a confession, to bring my readers (hopefully I'll have some) and me close together, Oprah-style.

I wouldn't consider myself to be the ultimate fashionista, but I like to think I am always erring on the side of good, classic taste in clothing and accessories. Being a child of the 80s can scar you for life when it comes to being too trendy. Looking back at pictures of myself with big hair and acid-washed jeans makes my blood run cold, so I tend to avoid today's trends that seem destined to be tomorrow's faux pas.

OK, enough set-up. Let's get down to it. Deep breath. Make sure you're sitting down. Yesterday, I might-have-sort-of-almost-yeah-I-think-I-did-holy-crap-I-bought-some-Crocs. WAIT! Don't go away and never come back! I promise, I can explain.

I was buying some Crocs online for my four-year-old son. And as we all know, children are the only ones who can wear Crocs without fear of being laughed at and openly mocked in public. Crocs are cute on kids. They put those little jibbity thingies in the holes, and they look like little clubby ducks scampering around. Adorable. But what is adorable on a child is almost never adorable on an adult (tighty whities, ringlets, and diapers all fall into this category).

So here I am, on the Internet, buying some perfectly acceptable Crocs for my child. They are on sale. I am planning ahead for spring. Oh look, they even have some Cars Crocs. And hmmmm, there's a button that says Women's, but I don't need to click that. No. Not me. But, ahem, there's a sale button at the bottom. Well, I do like a sale. It couldn't hurt to look.

And that's where my shame spiral begins.

In my defense, they are not the garden-planter-meets-dog-chew-toy-are-you-wearing-rubber-buckets-on-your-feet gigantic clodhoppers. These are Mary Janes. And I mean really, what decent person doesn't have a soft spot in their hearts for Mary Janes? They are classics. And they're Ruby Red, for pete's sake. Not just Red...RUBY Red. Doesn't that just sound smashing? "I think I'll wear my Ruuuuuuby Red Mary Janes today, darling."

Yes, they are made from antimicrobial rubber, but we can look past that for the moment.

Perhaps I was inspired by an ESPN article that mentioned that Steelers' linebacker James Harrison was spotted wearing Steelers Crocs in the locker room after the team's AFC championship win. If they're good enough for the NFL's Defensive Player of the Year, they're good enough for me. And if you have a problem with that, take it up with Silverback.