Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Cold and flu it over yet? I hate it as much as the next person, but I've been pretty lucky to only get one or two colds a year. When I do come down with a bug, though, I go through the five stages of grief:
  1. Denial: I have a little tickly feeling in my throat, but it's probably just because of the dry air. Or because I slept all night with my mouth wide open, and woke up in a puddle of my own drool. But I'm not getting sick. Can't be.
  2. Anger: I AM getting sick. I KNEW that little snotty kid at the grocery store was going to infect me with his cooties when he sneezed my way! This isn't FAIR! My weekend is SO ruined now.

  3. Bargaining: Please God, Muhammad, Buddha, Santa Claus, whoever may be listening right now, just make me feel better. I promise I will never take being well for granted again. I will do that charity work I've been thinking about. Just make the pain go away. Pretty please.

  4. Depression: Who am I kidding? I'm never going to be well again. I'm going to endure the rest of my days with a faucet for a nose and razor blades in my throat.

  5. Acceptance: Wow, when I woke up this morning I didn't feel like someone hit me in the face with a shovel all night. I am going to be well again. The sun is out, the birds are singing. Thank you Santa!
I would guess most people cycle through a similar range of emotions during a cold. I think I may, however, have an additional set of thoughts that are a bit different. So, in keeping with the "Shame Week" concept, I'll share them here.

As any Grey's Anatomy viewer worth her weight in tongue depressors can tell you, one of the basic precepts of the medical profession is "first, do no harm." Since I am not a medical professional, thankfully that rule doesn't apply to me. Because when I am sick, I think about doing lots of strange things to alleviate my symptoms--ones that, in reality, would be incredibly painful.

DISCLAIMER: I have not and would never intentionally hurt myself. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me could tell you that. Why? Because I am way too vain for any kind of self-harm. Also, I am a chicken.

With that in mind, let's explore the ways in which my mind creates inventive ways to alleviate the symptoms of the common cold.

Problem: Sore throat
Solution: Self-tonsillectomy with a butter knife. I'm sure one of my Henckel's would be much more effective, but knives scare me worse than guns. So butter knife it is.

Problem: Hacking, productive cough
Solution: Lung scrubbing with a giant bottle cleaning brush

Problem: Snotty nose
Solution: Special nasal attachment to my Hoover WindTunnel

Problem: Headache
Solution: Small hand drill applied to the craniofacial bones to create a hole that will release pressure

So those are totally normal thoughts, right? Everyone must do that. Anyone? Um. OK then.

Please share your masochistic cold relief thoughts in the comments section. Or we can all just avert our eyes and pretend this never happened.

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