Oscar Fashion 2009: If it doesn't fit, you must ditch it

The Oscars were a bit ho-hum last night, including the fashion. I did make two major observances, though. First, a great dress can be ruined by a bad fit, and a middling dress can be uplifted (ahem, no pun intended) by a great fit. Second, amazing jewelry can salvage a bland look.

In the "good dress, bad fit" category:

Sarah Jessica Parker loves to get all ball-gowny on us, and most of the time it works. Here however, her...uh...cups runneth over. And the belt is cinched way too tightly. Love the hair, love the dress, bad fit.

Next up, we have Jessica Biel, and I've lied to you already. This is a bad dress with a bad fit. If it had been fitted properly, however, it would be much more attractive (also, removing the giant napkin tucked into the front would help). Anyway, this dress looks as though it's about to slip down her chest (which I'm sure would be dreadful to her male fans), it's too roomy in the hip, and the skirt looks like it was designed by the finest Barbie fashion minds that Mattel has to offer.

Wow, Goldie. If I can see your tan lines (and why, oh why, do you have tan lines?) and your lavaliere microphone cord, it's time to quit that dress. Also, it looks like every other neutral-colored dress you wear to every event. If you're recycling in this down economy though, then props for that.

In the "fit makes the look" category:

Anne Hathaway went with a very safe old-Hollywood look last night, but the impeccable fit elevated it to a red-carpet winner for me.

At last, we have some color. Natalie Portman looks like she needs some intense cheeseburger therapy, but you can't argue with the fit of this dress--it's perfection. The color is Pepto-tastic, but at least it's not boring. I would have like to have seen a wee bit more color in her make-up, though. She was borderline corpse-like in this photo.

I surprised myself a little with my favorite of the night: Marisa Tomei. I usually don't like a lot of embellishment, but for some reason this pleated number is doing it for me. She has the pose down, the dress fits like a glove (or in this case, like cascading stack of envelopes), and it brings just the right amount of drama. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

In the "your jewelry just saved you" category:

Amy Adams' red number is not a loser on its own (I like the art-deco look of the bodice design), but the bold collar necklace definitely completes this look. Kudos for the hair and make-up folks, too.

I'm stunned. Angelina Jolie wore black. She's usually such a bright ray of sunshine. What a dramatic departure. OK, at least she wasn't wearing a bed sheet again, as she has been inclined to of late, but I found her dress to be deadly dull (so dull, I don't even feel the need to include a photo of it!). The earrings, though...wowza.


Taraji P. Henson looks like she got toilet papered by some ornery high schoolers on Halloween night, but I am in love with this necklace. Stunning. And great hair. (Steve Granitz/WireImage.com)

Congrats to all the winners. I went 6 for 8 in my predictions last night, and the two I missed were really wishful thinking on my part. I'll miss the red carpets now that awards season is over!

I'd like to thank the Academy...

OK, I've been extremely lax in my blogging the past week. Shame on me. But I do have a real, full-time job, not to mention a four-year-old boy taking up my time. To get back on the horse, I thought I'd make some eleventh-hour Oscar predictions.

The Academy Awards are sort of like my Super Bowl (except for when the Steelers are in the Super Bowl...then, um, that's my Super Bowl). Until a few years ago, they used to broadcast the the Oscars during the week of my birthday, which was a cool birthday treat for a movie fan.

So, here are my predictions for tonight's winners in most of the major categories:

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke
Best Actress: Kate Winslet
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger
Best Supporting Actress: Marisa Tomei
Director: Danny Boyle
Best Original Screenplay: Milk
Best Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire

I'll be back later for commentary on the show. Enjoy!

Facebook Status of the Day

I've been a lazy blogger this week. But I was travelling for work, then I was just flat out busy and tired. I think it was partially attributable to a prolonged In-and-Out Burger hangover.

I'm sure everyone was HILARIOUS while I wasn't paying any attention to Facebook.

Here were the funniest for today. As usual, identities have been changed, and share your funnies in the comments section!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• NH is celebrating SAD. Single Awareness Day. Jesus loves you!!!

Runner up:

• JF thinks it is great that when he puts the "West Wing" DVD's in his computer, Windows Media Player reads it as, "Bellydance Surprise: Queen of Flow."

Facebook Status of the Day

I'm in San Francisco, basking in the afterglow of a double double from In-and-Out Burger. Heaven.

These are from yesterday, Sunday, February 9.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• NT is looking for the meaning of life but is unwilling to leave the couch to find it.

Runner up:

• MJ thinks it must be meet-a-state-trooper day on the PA turnpike.

Grammys Stuff

The Grammys aren't over yet, but I'm heading to bed.

Some observations:
Excluding the Zooropa period, it’s hard for me to knock U2. Their performance tonight, however, wasn’t doing it for me. The song sounded like it was from a bad Beatles wannabe band from 1964. And guyliner is not bad in principle. Guyliner on Bono is.

Speaking of Beatles wannabes: Coldplay, you get a point for admitting you look like you’ve raided the Sgt. Pepper’s costume closet. You get -50 points for looking like you’re shooting a pilot episode of a new music show for Noggin.

Jennifer Hudson: Beautiful, moving, amazing set of pipes.

Kanye. Please. Pretty please with sequins on top. Stop trying to bring 1983 back. We are not buying what you’re selling. Lose the junior mullet and gloves while you still have an iota of dignity.

Katy Perry’s dancing made the Britney Spears' performance at the 2007 VMAs look positively polished. Homegirl needs to look cute, stand behind a mike, shimmy a little, and concentrate on singing. Please don’t try choreography again.

Morgan Freeman and Kenny Chesney are friends? That is an unlikely pairing. It was wonderful to see Morgan Freeman looking so good after his car accident last year. Judging by the glove on his left hand, he’s still not back to 100%.

Nine-months-pregnant MIA looked like an inflatable pool toy in her skin-tight polka-dotted leotard thingie. Kudos to her for performing on her due date though.

How could Paul McCartney NOT be awesome? The term living legend doesn’t even begin to cover the man’s standing in the world. But seeing Dave Grohl on the drums behind him? He’s about the only person that could distract me from Sir Paul. I love the Foo Fighters, but seeing Dave behind a drum kit just feels right. I’ve always been a sucker for the drummers. Probably because they usually look insane.

I had heard of Adele before tonight, but I hadn’t listened to any of her music. Loved her performance with Sugarland.

Oh look. Gwyneth made a dress out of Kanye West’s jacket.

Robert Plant and Allison Krauss? Don't get it, sorry.

Lil Wayne? Don't get him either.

Justin Timberlake does no wrong, in my book.

I think John Mayer is a tool, but the dude can play guitar.

OK, that's not everything, but those were the things that jumped out at me. Must sleep. Good night!

Facebook Status of the Day

It was a slow day in Funnytown yesterday. But a few people still managed to make me giggle.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• KN is at Julie's, learning about murder, and about to eat roast chicken!

Runner up:

• TG is reading how the economy has been stimulated by all of Obama's nominations paying their back taxes.

Thanks to everyone who has been sharing their funny status updates with me via Facebook. As always, feel free to also share them here in the comments section.

TLC = That's Lotsa Children

I think I may be in the minority on this one, but watching television shows about people that give birth to small armies of children gives me hives. I have a four-year-old boy. If I wanted to hear more whining, I'd go work at a daycare center.

As we all know, TLC is the home for people who have never heard of birth control. "John and Kate Plus 8" . . . I'm sure they're lovely people. I've made attempts to watch the show. Never made it through a single episode. John and Kate look eternally harried. Watching them try to do something as simple as have a meal with eight children makes me start to sweat.

I do love children (particularly my own child). I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But not only do I not want to be the mother to eight young children, I don't care to watch anyone else do it either. I even change the channel when the incessant commercials for their show come on.

Then we have the Duggars. Their shows (including "17 Kids and Counting") are actually a bit more palatable to me. Perhaps it's because Michelle Duggar has some kind of superhuman quality that Kate Gosselin doesn't possess. The woman has 17 children and never looks even remotely stressed (and she home-schools them all, for goodness sake). She has built-in baby sitters with her older children, so I'm sure that takes some pressure off of her. Again, they seem like exceptionally nice people, but they still give me the creeps.

Two weeks ago, we had a new woman of questionable sanity bring forth another litter of children into the world. Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets in southern California, after being implanted with six embryos (and knowing the risks inherent in this). She is a TLC fan, I'd wager. The single mother already had six children under the age of seven. She also has an agent. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I'm avoiding her on my television as well.

Facebook Status of the Day

I've developed a theory based on purely anecdotal evidence: People are funnier on Fridays! Does the imminent prospect of happy hour, on-demand napping, or staring blankly at the TV trigger the humorous parts of our brain? Maybe, but whatever the reason, I like!

Facebook Status of the Day:

• GP is looking for the wii-motes and the nunchucks. If they're in the dogs' toybox, someone's gonna be in trouble...

Runners up:

• HS is "bonding" with a bag of frozen green beans
  Comment 1: Does this mean you've visited Dr. Snippy?
  HS: Let's just say I can hit the high notes like Mariah Carey!
• JK needs to find her fav Asian to kiss. Per Wally, it's kiss your favorite Asian day...don't know why he is excited, he is Irish.
• KB: my mother-in-law, for years I wouldn't kiss her face, now I wind up kissing her ass!

Reader contributions:

• MC [a labor and delivery nurse] is heading off to work to watch crackheads spew forth new life!
• SK says the Indian guy on Scrubs set brown people back more than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

As always, please feel free to share your funny Facebook Statuses in the comments section!

Facebook Status of the Day

The usual: funny, anonymous, share yours in the comments section.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• TG "Thank you but I have other plans." (Response to "have a nice day.")

Runners up:

• CR is thinking about setting all the clocks forward to 8 p.m. so that I can put the kids to bed. I'm done.
• ND thinks, hello, we have figured out the secret to dieting, eat less and move your ass...so sick of hearing the new amazing findings!!!!

Save the Obama drama for your mama

My parents raised my sister and me to be kind, tolerant, empathetic people. In my case, it actually worked. Kidding! My sister’s lovely. Really.

I think tolerance is one of the most challenging things to teach a child. They see everything from such a black-and-white perspective: good and bad, right and wrong, winners and losers. I work hard to show my child the shades of grey, and to demonstrate acceptance of differing viewpoints.

Well, we all fall short of the glory.

During the presidential campaign last fall, my son Adam (who was three at the time) and I were putting together a puzzle of the United States. When we got to Arizona, I said, “There’s a crazy old man from Arizona named John McCain.”

This was NOT my finest moment as a parent, clearly. I realized I shouldn’t have said it as soon as the words left my lips.

But I thought it would go right over his head. He was three, after all. Instead, he reacted by shaming me (and he was right). “John McCain is NOT a bad man,” he said. “He’s good. Don’t say that mommy.”

I quickly went into damage-control mode. “You’re right honey,” I said. “Mommy was just trying to make a joke, and it didn't work. John McCain is a very good man, and he’s done a lot of good things for our country. But I like Barack Obama better.”

“Well I DON’T,” Adam responded. “I like John McCain.” I cringed to myself, thinking that I may have created my own little Alex P. Keaton in that very moment. But I was back in good parenting form.

“That’s OK, honey,” I said. “You’re allowed to like John McCain. Lots of people do. But I happen to prefer Barack Obama.”

“No, I want you to like John McCain,” he said. “He’s good. Barack Obama is bad.”

Deep breath.

“They are both good, sweetheart,” I responded. “You can like John McCain, and I can like Barack Obama, and it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. People can have a different opinion. That’s what makes our country great.”

Later that day I thought I would show him photos of the two candidates on the Internet. I found photos of them side by side, and asked him who he liked better. He pointed to Barack Obama.

“That’s Barack Obama,” I said. I pointed to McCain’s photo, “That is John McCain.”

Realizing he had inadvertently contradicted his earlier declaration, he replied, “No it’s not.” Touching the photo of Obama, he said, “That’s John McCain.”

And so it went throughout the campaign. Each time Adam would see Obama on television, he would gleefully shout out, “Look mommy, it’s John McCain!” I would attempt to correct him every time, but he wasn’t having it. He had made a firm statement that he liked John McCain, and disliked Barack Obama. But he had also said he liked the picture of Obama the best. So he had to make it fit somehow. Stubborn little bugger.

At varying points Adam begged me to vote for McCain, getting to the verge of tears in the process. I could have just lied to him and said that I would vote for McCain, and that would have been the end of it. But while I respect others’ opinions, there are two things I won’t budge on: politics and sports. I was also trying to teach a lesson at the same time: it’s ok to agree to disagree. In truth, I was trying to show that it’s more than just ok; it’s requisite for getting through this world with your relationships and sanity intact.

So, I would say, “Honey, I know you like John McCain, but you can’t tell other people how they should vote. It’s a personal choice. In 14 years, you’ll get to vote for whomever you want.” (I neglected to mention that the odds of McCain being around then were slim.)

Adam stuck to his guns, telling anyone who would listen that he liked John McCain: grocery store cashiers, neighbors, teachers at school, family members. He even cheerfully agreed to wear the Obama/Biden shirt I bought him, but would quickly tell anyone who asked him about it, “Yes, but I’m voting for John McCain.”

Election Day came and went, and we all know what happened. Adam was in denial at first. He was convinced that McCain won. In a few days, he came to accept the outcome. “Obama won,” he would say. “But I voted for John McCain.”

Talk of the election and the candidates tapered off, and several weeks passed with no discussion of them. Then on inauguration day, Adam saw Obama on TV. “I like Barack Obama,” he said. “They had him and John McCain mixed up for awhile.”

Facebook Status of the Day

Yesterday, I was tired, lazy, and busy. These circumstances are not conducive to blogging. Therefore, I am posting yesterday's Facebook Status of the Day now.

People brought the snark yesterday. Here we go.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• GH thinks who needs a circus sideshow when you have Wal-Mart? Some seriously scary people.

Runner up:

• TR noticed this morning that there is a fine line between wearing boots with a suit and looking good or looking like a hooker. Most don't walk it well.

As always, post any funny Facebook statuses in the comments section!

Facebook Status of the Day

My brain is still on fire from that Phoenix New Times article, but I haven't forgotten about the Facebook Status of the Day.

Focusing on funniness, rather than hatefulness, is returning me to my happy place. Deep breathing and chocolate is helping, too.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• CV needs everyone to look in Tampa for my camera. If you find it let me know. It's probably somewhere on North Lois road.

Runner up:

• GP's quote of the day: "'Old' is when an 'all-nighter' refers to not getting up during the night to pee."

If someone on your friend list said something funny today, brighten my day and share it in the comments. :-)

An amazingly reckless, offensive piece of "journalism"

Is it acceptable to make derogatory, prejudiced remarks about a group of people based on:

• Their race?
• Their socioeconomic background?
• Where they live?

What if a so-called journalist does all of the above?

In a Phoenix New Times article entitled "Arizona Cardinals Fans, You'd Better Get Ferocious or Steeler Nation Will Eat You Alive," which ran last week, Martin Cizmar says that the "Pittsburgh Steelers are White Trash America's team."

Some more gems from this article:
"It's hard to find a trailer park anywhere in the country that doesn't have a black-and-yellow flag fluttering from the door of a doublewide."

"Pittsburgh's the largest city in the massive poverty-stricken backwoods known as Appalachia, and the Steelers are the only NFL team that plays on Appalachian soil...The heart of the Steelers fan base is in the moonshine-making hills of western Pennsylvania and hollows of West Virginia, and their location colors much about them."

"Thing is, many Steelers fans may be impoverished but they find a way to support their team." [Wow, as far as backhanded compliments go, that might be the most stunningly offensive one I've ever read.]

"...some strings were pulled to have a Terrible Towel waved on the International Space Station (no word on whether the astronaut Steelers fan was part of some experiment to see how hillbillies fare in a zero-gravity environment)."

So let's recap. According to MARTIN CIZMAR, Steelers fans are white trash, impoverished, trailer-park-dwelling hillbillies. He writes that all of these qualities make Steelers fans "the grubbiest, loudest, and nastiest fan base in all of sports."

Fantastic. As someone born and raised in West Virginia, and a resident of Pittsburgh for more than 10 years, how can I even begin to quantify how offensive this is? I think Martin Cizmar's words--the real "trash"--speak for themselves.

The fact that this disgusting article made it past an editor's desk blows my mind.

Stay classy Phoenix.


[Thanks for sharing this, April.]

Facebook Status of the Day

I didn't post a Facebook Status of the Day yesterday because pretty much all of them were about the Super Bowl. Also, none of them were very funny. Work with me, people!

Today, everyone got a wee bit funnier. Perhaps we'll be really hitting our stride again by mid-week. As always, winners' identities have been changed in the interest of privacy.

Facebook Status of the Day:

• PD: Dear peoples calling the answering service for the doctor on call: It is most helpful if you ANSWER THE PHONE when I call back. THANKS.

Runners up:

• GB is looking for tasty groundhog recipes...because I'm going up to Punxsatawney to shoot that thing and mount it on my wall before next Groundhog Day comes.
  
• LS is already sick and tired of hearing how the Cardinals were robbed. Accept failure, ya bandwagon morons, and go return your brand-new red merchandise.

Don't forget to post any funny Facebook status updates from your friends list in the comments section!

I invented the Snuggie

Yes. I invented the Snuggie. I just forgot to design a prototype, find the financial backing, and have them manufactured, distributed, marketed, and sold.

It all started one cold winter evening when I was reading on the couch under a blanket. "Gee, my shoulders and arms are cold," I thought to myself. "It would be great if there were some sleeves in this blanket so I could keep my upper body warm."

My mental Snuggie prototype had an additional feature that the "real" Snuggie doesn't have: a six-inch pocketed hem at the bottom, so you can tuck your feet in. Don't you hate it when you can't keep the blanket over your feet? Also, as everyone knows, if your feet are exposed, that's when the monsters can get you. DUH!

Then I realized that what I was imagining was just a backwards robe, so I went upstairs and put a robe on, with a blanket on top of that.

Yesterday I read they've sold more than 4 million Snuggies. Sigh. Yeah, they're ridiculous, but someone is making a boatload of money on them. And I love ridiculous things AND money!

Mike Tomlin in the "House"?

After I watched every last bit of post-Super Bowl coverage on TV last night, I decided to unwind before bed with Season 1 of House on DVD. For a minute, I thought I was having Steelers-euphoria-related hallucinations, because I could have sworn Mike Tomlin was right there on House. Omar Epps and Tomlin definitely could have been separated at birth.

My stomach feels like Jeff Reed's hair looks

That was an absolutely AMAZING Steelers win, but it took a lot out of me. Whew.

Way to bring home a sixth Super Bowl ring Steelheads!!!!

CNN=Correctness Not Necessary?

I love CNN, but I also love busting them for typos and grammar errors. I caught this headline on cnn.com today:

Troops goes door to door in frozen Kentucky

They corrected it within a few minutes.

Facebook Status of the Day

I was under the weather yesterday, so I passed out on the couch instead of naming the Facebook Status of the Day winner. Think of me while you're watching the Super Bowl and enjoying your tasty wings, chips, pizza, beer, and nachos. I'll be sitting here in my Roethlisberger jersey and fleece robe with some dry toast. GO STEELERS!

Facebook Status of the Day:
KN just asked her daughter if she wanted to watch Brady Bunch. When she saw the show, she began to cry and said, "But it is about people!"

Runner Up:
HW thinks the Stillers will smash the Cardinals' face into a car windshield and then take their mother out to a nice seafood dinner and then never call her again.

Today's updates should be interesting...or all exactly the same. :-)

Have fun watching the Super Bowl. I'm gearing up for Sixburgh!!!!