Facebook Etiquette, Part 1: Capital Offenses

OK, this is just embarrassing. Last week, I had the best of intentions to make it a productive blogging week. Then I got the flu. And whilst I had the killer flu, I still had a full-time job I needed to attempt to do. I also still had a four-year-old to take care of...with the flu. Therefore, my lofty goal of five blog entries last week ended up in the old circular file.

So, I'm back on the horse again this week, a few pounds lighter, hoping to be a better blogger.

Facebook proves to be endlessly fascinating to me, undoubtedly because people never cease to surprise, amaze and bore me, all at the same time. The ways in which people choose to communicate about themselves on Facebook is telling, and so I've chosen to embark on a series of blog entries examining some of these communication tactics. Today's topic: the arbitrary, unusual, and abusive uses of capitalization.

NOTE: I will be referencing real people's status updates here, but I will be removing names. If you happen to recognize yourself here, please don't take it the wrong way. You should sort of be flattered...I noticed you! Also, please don't hurt me.

1. WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME WITH THE WRITTEN WORD?
I am all for the judicious use of all caps to indicate excitement, or the kind of emphasis you would use with the spoken word.

For example: Lauren absolutely LOVES eating white frosting directly from the can.
A real, acceptable example from today: TF got a cool signed Holmes framed print of the game winning catch. AWESOME!

Some people, however, USE ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME, NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE FEELING AND IT'S VERY AGGRESSIVE. There is one particular woman in my group of Facebook friends who uses all caps for her status updates, when she writes on people's walls, when she comments on people's photos...ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME, PEOPLE.

I feel harassed every time I see her presence on the magical internets. It just seems wrong, when you're commenting on a sweet baby photo, to write, "OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST BABY I HAVE EVER SEEN YOU DRESS HER SO CUTE YOU ARE SO LUCKY SHE IS BEAUTIFUL." You see, people who use all caps all the time also seem to abhor punctuation.

So please, all cappers. Relax. You are stressing me the hell out. Use the good fingers that the Easter Bunny gave you to hit the Shift key every once in a while.

2. My Life Is One Headline After Another
Another Facebook friend capitalizes the first letter of every word of her status updates and all of her comments.

Real examples:

• HG Is Giggling Like A Piglet
• Lol! I Hear Ya! Thanks Girl! Ya We Went Out Last Night And It Was A Lot Of Fun. I Think I Will Really Like It Here!

I'm not sure what I think of this. On the one hand, I admire her unswerving consistency with it. She does it without fail. On the other hand, there's nothing that's correct about this from a usage perspective. It, however, comes nowhere close to hurting me like...

3. ARe You STaLKING Me? I aM SCaReD oF You
This? Just makes my brain burn. I feel horrible that you are even about to read this, because it's going to make your eyes cross and your heart palpitate. Here's the interesting part about this capitalization style. I only fully grasped the format as I was typing this. It is some mind-bending business.

This particular Facebook friend was using what I thought was a random sprinkling of capital letters. In writing this, I realized she is capitalizing the consonants, and making the vowels lowercase. Sweet Jesus. There is a method to the madness.

Brace yourself, here are some examples:

• ML DiDN'T GeT 2 Go 2 HeR ZuMBa CLaSS... HaD 2 DRiVe MY SiCK BaBY 2 MaMaW'S N WV... i MiSS HiM aLReaDY! BUT.... i HaVe THe WeeKeND KiD FRee!
• ML iS HeaDiNG 2 THe GYM... BouT 2 GeT SWeaTY! eWWWW!

Every time I read one of her status updates, I feel as though my puppy has been kidnapped and I am reading the ransom note.

People that I have referenced here: please don't be insulted. You add a bit of flavor to my life every day. That flavor may be week-old cabbage, but it keeps things interesting!

If you have any great capitalization use-and-abuse examples from Facebook, please share them in the comments section!